SURRENDER- A Homage To Gratitude

  

Wanting what we need for our spiritual growth is often times the most difficult challenge. We have grown up in a “What can you do for me?” society, and the program is embedded in our brain like each and every synapse. When we don’t get what we want, we suffer because we “think” that our life is NOT going in a way that we “think” it SHOULD. We have forgotten...GRATITUDE.

“Breathe into your own divinity and celebrate with the champagne of gratitude!”

     No matter what is going on in your life, you will ALWAYS have a reason to be grateful. 

And yet, gratitude is often the last emotion we embrace while going through a challenge because we are choosing to resist the “what is” instead of welcoming it. I know this tale all too well, suffering with resistance instead of breathing through the pain. Screaming, Why me?” rather than inviting, “Why not me?” We hear Friedrich Nietzsche’s quote reverberating through our heads... “That which does not kill us makes us stronger,” and often in our moments of despair, we often do not want to be braver. Heck, we sometimes don’t even want to be alive.

     It is in these desperate times that we could experience the power of the heart and surrender by welcoming the opportunity. With just one breath of gratitude and celebrating the essence of whom we really are, we can change our life forever and bring ourselves back to our heart and to the truth. And when all else fails, I have Cinnamon to remind me...

“Kathleen, ‘thinking’ will get you into trouble. Be still. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply, and let the love that is in you surface. No matter who you are, love is there in you. Release it and know the of joy of expressing it. Do it now.”

     Sounds too simple, right? Love is simple. We can read about love all day long, attend seminars, go to church, meditate, and practice yoga. Still, it is to be experienced by the ones who are thirsty enough to create the willingness to receive it. I was not only thirsty– I was parched. Divine timing is perfect. I clearly needed to repeatably test my ego until I had suffered enough (everyone’s threshold to suffering is unique). 

     When I create the experience of love, it takes me everywhere, the ride of my life, and there is no turning back. I know too much, and the price is too high to live continually in the fear cycle. Sure, life’s challenges will continue to show up and there will always be opportunities to choose love with gratitude and claim the peace we deserve. We will turn our troubles into triumphs and stop looking in terms of “good” and “bad” because we will simply experience the what IS...that love works. Now and always. 

SURRENDER- I Will Be A Parent

“What do you mean you can’t?”

2013

     Do you ever have one of those moments in your day (as a parent) where you just want to say, "F*** it?" Where you think... I can't do this, I am too overwhelmed, I am not up for this momentous task, and I just can't be a parent anymore. And then you look into your child's eyes and know that the four-letter-word, "can't," is no longer a part of your vocabulary? Well, I am having one of those moments RIGHT NOW! My head is pounding, and I have decided to take care of myself and NOT go to Cinnamon's Living Love class tonight. It is a decision I rarely make. But, stepping into my silk cheetah PJ's, popping four Ibuprofen, and drinking hot detox tea, was just what the doctor ordered. Writing is therapeutic for me, and in this vulnerable moment, I am willing to open myself genuinely. My hope is that I may help ease your suffering as I ease mine.

     As most of you know, my son has been one of my greatest teachers. He has taught me to listen to my heart. It may sound easy or even simple for you, but it hasn't been for me. I was taught to listen to the minds of my elders, teachers, pastors, and authority figures. Period. I was too fearful to not. While growing up, no one told me to listen to my own inner voice. In fact, I was discouraged from it. "Follow your heart? What? That is for dreamers who do nothing but sit around, smoke pot, and live in fantasy world." And then our son was born.

     Are you HERE Kathleen? It's Me, God.  

    Remember to trust in me. For I am here with you in your greatest and darkest hours. I will ALWAYS lead you where you need to be. Forever and always.

     Sounds great doesn't it? So, why do we (as humans) have to complicate it? We don't. We just think we have to. Sometimes, I don’t want to follow the whispers of my own divinity. That core instinct that often tells me what I do NOT want to hear. I subconsciously tell myself that "Ignorance is bliss" and proceed to make up excuses and more excuses. This is how I justify my unwillingness to change. I think I am overly sensitive and continue to listen to those who have no idea what our son is going through (even though they think they do). Since listening to my heart and trusting (more-often-than-not) the "so-called" coincidences of my life, my son is receiving help with his ears. EARS? You may be thinking, Is he deaf? No. Quite the opposite. He has Moderate Sensory Auditory Processing Disorder where he acutely hears EVERYTHING. No wonder he was screaming in the stroller and car as a baby. No wonder he was in uncontrollable rages as a toddler. In order to create comfort, he tunes-out words which is creating a learning disability. The Universe hand-delivered me the best audiologist in the nation (Judith Payton in San Mateo, Ca.) who specializes in helping these sensitive children. Our son is now starting auditory, language, and speech therapy. 

    Without going into too much detail ("Love gets lost in the details"), I want to impart an important lesson I have learned. Most people (family, teacher, and even doctors) looked at me for years like I was exaggerating while assuring, "He seems fine to me. He's so young, give him a break. I didn't notice anything.” At first, I so wanted to “believe” that nothing was going on, continuing to ignore what I knew to be true and listen to the critics. Until, I started to trust my heart and following my mommy’s instinct. We know our child better than anyone. We know what goes on behind closed doors. We know if our child is self-rejecting, angry, or struggling. Children (and many adults for that matter) have the uncanny ability to suck it up around others and then release their frustrations once mom and dad show up (lucky us). What goes on in privacy is what needs to be addressed instead of accepting the inauthentic and dualistic programs passed onto us from generation to generation. 

   It has been the hardest lesson to wake up to my fear based denials. To see the truth even when I  don’t want to. To welcome the opportunity to choose love and see that if it is here, I can manage it. To STOP resisting and say, “Yes.”  To breathe, relax, and honor the First Pathway.  To even say... “ Thank you.”

     God allowed me to have a whopper of a spiritual contract, and I am so grateful. With that being said...I'm back, baby! 

I not only can, I WILL be a parent!

  

SURRENDER- Purpose? Passion? What's The Difference?

“Passion Stems From Our Purpose.” 

     I have dated surfers for most of my life. The irony was that once I was in a committed relationship with my beloved wave rider, I would not want them to surf. I wanted them to get responsible and join the “real world” like mine (yeah, right!). Surfing had become my competition to see whether I was really enough. To see who they would pick, testing them and convincing myself that I was NOT a “surf widow.” Not an easy thing for me to admit, but I was jealous of surfers and their passion. Jealous of what their faces revealed after completing a smokin’ hot session. I was jealous of their secret, and I wanted what they had.

    After defending his rights for “wave time,” my first love, Jay, once stated... 

     “I know what the problem is with you, Kathleen, you need to find a passion!” 

      My words bit back, “Nooo, you need to get a job!” 

     His truth hit straight to my bones. I was in my twenties. I knew there was a grain of truth; otherwise, I would not have become so defensive. Although he seemed to have come from a judgmental place, I am now grateful for his honesty.  Jay shined a light on my face, and I chose to close my eyes. My mind did not want to grasp the truth of his statement. Often, when someone is relaying what they know from a judgmental space, we only see their fear and miss the message that could help us create the peace that we long for. One might think that I would want to stop dating surfers. Nope, I was far from done with them and actually ended up marrying one. But his time, he had a REAL job!

      The Kaptain was not the typical blonde/skinny surfer, but his love for the sport was palpable. To see his face brighten when the surf is up? Priceless. And, if he gets tubed? He is the sweetest and most generous, thoughtful and loving soul a wife could hope for. I often think of us as the two characters in the sitcom, Dharma and Greg. Or as, Yin and Yang. A perfectly mismatched couple where I love him unconditionally despite my liberal programming. Often, being given opportunities to grow in oneness and see our mirror despite our differences. Opportunities to remember what really matters and honor each other, regardless.      

     After the honeymoon was over,  old fears about being dismissed and not having a passion like surfing, surfaced.  I did not remember what my soul’s calling was or if I even had one. I wanted to be...STOKED. I wanted to be…me. But, but who am I?

     In my core, I knew I had a purpose.  Everyone does. I did know THAT. And my ex boyfriend’s words continued to haunt me…

     ”You need to find a passion, Kathleen!” 

     My mind would scream back, “SHUT UP!” 

     Until, I listened to what my heart knew all along... our purpose is to love and allow ourselves  to be loved. With that recognition, I created my passion for writing and helping others live a more joyful and peaceful life despite it all. With that passion, I was recognized by the founder of The Daily Love, Mastin Kipp, and asked to be his Contributor. This was a dream come true for me. “Passion stems from our purpose.” When we align with the truth and know that love is the ONLY purpose, our passions will bubble up, and we will see life in a whole new way. 

     I am a HUGE supporter of the Kaptain’s surfing AND traveling to faraway, distant lands in search of some “tasty waves.” Even when I do not have help with our son. It is my husband’s connection to his heart, and I encourage him to follow it.

     Cinnamon lovingly reminds me that “We can only give what we’ve got.” When I was not living my infinite soul’s calling, I was not happy for the surfers in my life.  I was not happy for the Kaptain. I was unwilling to give him the unconditional love he deserved. When I returned to love, my passions surfaced. No need for jealousy when peace reigns.Your love and passion are within you, waiting to be claimed.

SURRENDER- Alcohol

Do you “think” you need it?

    During my training with Cinnamon, I began to take on sadhanas. A sadhana is the discipline of a routine spiritual practice to help surrender to one’s ego. I cut my hair, I stopped wearing make-up, and I even tucked in my shirt for almost a year. These may sound easy to you, but for this vain, flowy clothed, free loving hippie wanna be? Harder than hell. Bit by bit, I began to experience the painful chains of vanity and how freeing myself from my deep seated unworthiness was necessary for liberation. When I was given a Sadhana to stop drinking alcohol, I “thought”...No Problem! Boy, was I in for a surprise... 

2013

      Depending on the meaning we give it, ALCOHOL is a word that can stir up A LOT of different feelings for people. Much like our son needs his blankie,  I have known deep down that I depended on alcohol.  But I confused myself because I knew that I could quit quite easily if I “wanted” to. “Want” is the key word. My excuses would continually revoke my heart’s knowing, Why give up doing something that can be so enjoyable? I don’t have a problem. After all, just one glass (or two) is no biggie. Plus, I have never been…”A drinker.” So, I didn’t. And I continued to sip on, or sometimes, chug the sweet nectar, until I accepted the sadhana to quit drinking.

     Forever? Yes. No. This did not matter. (I know, very hard for the mind to grasp). I am surrendered to love in the present moment, and I knew that it was timely for me to give up what I had been drinking since I was sixteen-years-old. We are NOT given anything more than we can manage, and it seemed to be an easy discipline…AT FIRST.

     Then why in the heck would quitting booze teach me anything? Well, after almost seven months of NOT drinking even a sip of liquor, I learned that I was still (even as an adult) addicted to fitting in with the crowd. I did not drink when I was pregnant, but quitting for my spiritual growth was WAY harder than for a precious baby. And quite a different experience.

     The hardest part was not going along to get along. I seemed to be the ONLY person who did not have a seemingly reasonable enough “excuse” to NOT have a glass of wine. I didn’t miss the alcohol, much. I missed the feeling of belonging.

     I have often been one to take on an over-sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings and comfort, and I received many different reactions when I chose to stop the social drink. Reactions I did not like. It is amazing how much the one who is drinking alcohol notices the one who is not. I always did. Why? Because I was not drinking with all my heart. I was drinking to fit in, take the edge off my triggers, and/or cope with my life’s issues. I was drinking because I NEEDED it.

    My final test was spending an entire weekend around alcohol with some people I did not know. One stranger said, “You are not drinking? Oh, how ‘Natural’ of you.” The minute my red horns went up, I settled into my heart and did not mind. I did it! I no longer needed to fit in. And I created happiness, regardless.

   When I returned home from the weekend, I went to my weekly teacher training class. Ironically (and not surprisingly) and without even telling my teacher about the details of my breakthrough weekend, Cinnamon casually relayed to me that my sadhana had been lifted. My spiritual lesson had been learned, and I was free. And...I could drink alcohol again. This time with awareness and from a non-addicted heart space. Or I could choose to not indulge. The difference is that I was at peace either way. 

     At this point, I am not drinking alcohol. I know that the power of love will guide me to decide what serves love. For love is the most powerful source to rely on. It NEVER betrays us. Ever.

SURRENDER-My Crazy Mama

"Don't push down your feelings. Breathe and let them out. It's like taking out the trash. You wouldn't sift through the trash to see what's inside. It's trash!! Dump it or recycle it into something useful!! Either way, get it out of the house!"

     Is this really what doing the spiritual work looks like? As I turned into an unrecognizable  version of myself, the Kaptain sat there paralyzed on the couch. I haven't screamed this hard since an ex-boyfriend lied to me about taking Ecstasy. My throat kills from the pain. I have no voice left. My wrist feels sprained from slamming it down so hard on the arm of the sofa. My husband’s eyes wide open. In eleven years of being together he has never met her.  My inner critic. My "Crazy Mama." Man, what am I talking about, either had I.

     She was angry. REALLY angry. Judgmental. Intolerant. Guilty. Scared. Veins bursting. It felt like my eyes were popping out of my head. The Kaptain said that they were as I ranted my
thoughts OUT LOUD...

"Get it together Kathleen. It's only a F*ing day. There are people who take care of the elderly ALL DAY LONG. There are parents who are the arms and legs for their quadriplegic child. What do you have to complain about? Drama Queen! You act as if you are in prison. So what if your kid said, ‘Mama, mama, MAMA...all day long.' In your very near future he will be off with his friends, and you will long for him to tug at your shirt just one more time. 

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!"

     Silence. 

     I looked up from my "Crazy Mama" trance and looked at the Kaptain. Margarita in hand, Tavi Dog staring at me on his lap. Both looking at me like I was a lunatic in a horror movie. Embarrassed? Sort of. Thank God our five year old was sleeping, and I was taking responsibility. Grateful that I did NOT spew my venom towards my husband. I am sure he was relieved too.  Grateful to know...We are NOT our thoughts. 

     For the first time in forty-two years, I gave my mind a voice. A VERY loud and clear voice. I screamed loud enough for my neighbors to hear. At myself. Much like I had done for years in silence. Tears of gratitude and relief rolled down my cheeks. Vulnerable. Humbled. NO MORE suppression. It was timely for me to embrace my "Crazy Mama." To take out my trash and expose MY ugly lying mind. 

     I was willing to go there. To look crazy. To expose the very thing I was "trying" to ignore. This is what keeps me from creating oneness and peace. Pretending that everything is ok never works. I could only suppress it for so long.

Recovery.

     As I calmed my mind, the fog lifted. I was willing to hear the whispers of my heart... 

Are You HERE Kathleen? It's Me, God.

NO MORE. No more put downs. No more excuses. I gave you the opportunity to hear yourself. For The Kaptain to hear your illusion of what is true. Love is perfect. Even your "so-called" imperfections are a "perfect" manifestation of love. Let go!

     As my husband and I slipped into the hot tub, our tense muscles relaxed. I looked up at the dark sky, and I turned toward light and hope.