FORTIES- You Might As Well Surrender

“Truth is hiding in plain sight, look into your heart. Often, you must close your eyes in order to see what is most valuable.” 

    One day after my fortieth birthday, the Kaptain and I drove up to San Francisco to see Dr Char about my eye. He told me that I had lost sight on the night of my party because a blood vessel had burst, clouding my vision. The blood would take some time to dissipate, and I would still have my peripheral vision. What a relief. Just when I started to create comfort, he then mentioned that there was a new precarious lesion that he wanted to watch. He doubted that I could have cancer again because melanoma of the eye is extremely rare but wanted me to come back in about three months to make sure. Clearly, I had no control of the outcome and just needed to surrender. Although, I still really didn’t know what that even meant. Surrendering to love and welcoming the opportunities whether you call it, “good” or “bad,” is the ONLY way to release our addictions to life going OUR way.  

     Surrendering to the “what is” helps us trust in the spiritual nature of life and see that all things are possible when we are aligned with our soul. Our world then becomes a playground to dance, sing, and discover our own innocence, not a mere existence to survive. Let’s see, survive or thrive? You do the math.

     I used to cringe when given the suggestion of letting go and surrendering to a higher power. I “thought” of it as weak and giving up. Sure, I “believed” in God, and I was yet to experience the power. When I’ve chosen to surrender, my temptations to earthly addictions cease. It is like magic. No effort necessary. Just a burning desire to know the truth, live the truth, and be the truth. Once we create the experience of peace, we surrender more consistently with grace. We change our perceptions of the world and experience the miracle that is always available. We desire to give because we have it to give. But only to those who are willing to receive it. Love is NOT an intruder and shines unconditionally with patience, compassion, and understanding. Words do not sufficiently describe it. Just being it is more than enough.

     I wish I could say that my eye was the only thing that I needed to surrender to after turning forty, but the challenges with my three-year-old son, Krew, were becoming harder by the second. One might say, a great distraction from the fact that my cancer may be back. I was barely surviving, spending most of my days stuck in a new home that the Kaptain and I purchased, overlooking the ocean. Here I lived in a beautiful custom made 4,000 square foot home with an elevator, and it didn’t matter. I felt like I had become a prisoner. Almost every time I would pick him up from preschool, a battle would ensue. He would start by kicking the back of my car seat and screaming at me. By the time we got home, he would  hit, spit, slam doors, throw furniture, and not stop until he completely exhausted himself. Being first time parents, the Kaptain and I were clueless. Relatives, friends, and even his pediatrician told me that he was “just a strong-willed boy and the ‘terrible twos’ are lasting a bit longer.” When I spoke about my concerns, the Kaptain would minimize our plight by telling me that he was just stubborn, and “he’ll grow out of it.” As our life became more difficult, I would hear that we were spoiling him and that he just needed a good spanking. My father continued to say, “He acts fine for me. Benign neglect, Kathleen, benign neglect! You just pay too much attention to him.” When I explained what was going on to my mom, she thought he could be possessed (and no, I am not exaggerating). Something was off, but because Krew knew how to suck it up and behave for teachers, doctors, and other relatives, I felt confused. Instead of listening to my intuition, I continued to buy into others opinions of my situation more than what I knew in my heart. I felt like a failure and hopeless, taking parenting classes and even resorting to taking tips from the TV show, Super Nanny. Much of the child rearing was up to me because the Kaptain spent a great deal of time traveling with his job. I probably read every parenting book in the library. NOTHING worked. I then decided to take Krew to see my sponsor. She ended up experiencing one of his relentless fits and pinned him down so that he wouldn’t hit me. It was intense. After he calmed down, she didn’t have much to say except that he seemed to not want to be alive. I knew that she was was onto something, and I feared for my boy’s life. I knew that I had to figure something out and FAST. 

     From that moment on, I stopped listening to well meaning (and judgmental) relatives/ friends and began to surrender to MY heart. Our lives depended on it, and it was timely for me to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and follow my own instinct. My husband supported me, and I was a mom with a mission. My first stop was an occupational therapist, who quickly helped me see that a mother’s instinct should never be underestimated. 

     Krew was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, “A condition in which the brain had trouble receiving and responding to information that comes through the senses.” She told me that he was an extreme case and that his outbursts towards me was a reverse compliment because he was the most comfortable with me. Although receiving a diagnosis was a relief, I was just beginning to learn how to “Let go and Let God.” I needed a miracle, and I was going to do whatever it took.

Chapter 7, FORTIES- The "Trying" Forties

“Are you willing to welcome life’s moment-to-moment opportunities, even if they are painful? Choose love and you will learn the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is an unavoidable part of life. Suffering is a choice.”

     When I was first diagnosed with eye cancer, I said to my father, "It's ok dad, I have had a great life. Plus, many people don’t even make it this far." I was twenty-four-years-old. I inherently knew that I wasn't in for an easy life, and I had no idea that we have the ability to align with our divine self. Deep down, I knew that I had more time before my final departure from earth school and every challenge is just an opportunity from which to grow in consciousness, to fully trust and surrender to the "what is.” I have often created a tug-a-war with accepting the “what is” in my life. Mainly, because I was programmed to believe my fearful mind chatter. I made myself afraid of following my heart, making my journey more difficult. I continued to paralyze myself with fear, fear, and more fear, unwilling to take a leap of faith and follow that inner voice that we all possess. The voice that we at times fight so hard to ignore. Sometimes I have been willing to hear it loud and clear like church bells on a Sunday morning. Other times, I have turned the volume down so low that I have easily ignored it with a piece of chocolate cake or a glass of wine. The key is to trust love where it seems NOT to be, looking for the spiritual purpose within everything, despite it all. Everything is an opportunity to welcome and say, “Thank you.”

      I know...I can now hear you saying, “Yeah, but... How do you know this?” Because I had a “BUT” for almost everything that did not meet my models. I was totally unwilling to get my butt out of Love’s way and let the divine do its' magic. On my fortieth birthday, I was presented with the opportunity to do just that. 

      With the help of my sponsor and Al Anon meetings, I was finally creating a sense of peace and looking forward to the middle mark. My fortieth birthday landed on a Saturday. Perfect day to have a party, I thought, and it wasn't quite what I expected. Right when I thought I was getting a handle on life through the twelve step program, another one of life’s major opportunities arrived. At first, everything was going perfectly MY way. Tanja hosted the party at her home and my bestie drove up from Laguna, hiring her brother to take professional pictures. My favorite photograph was with my arms up in surrender, taken shortly prior to my world going black...

     On the dance floor of Tanja’s living room, life showed up. In one moment, I was laughing, dancing, and whooping it up; and the next, blinking my eyes in horror. The left side of the room went dark. I could no longer see. I ran to the guest bedroom and cried. I remember the terror of my thoughts that the cancer was back. 

APPROACHING FORTY-Al Anon

“God sent us all here into the game we call life with a little magic potion for joyful living and said, ‘Drink it as soon as you get there,’ and we get so busy in the delivery room that we forget. As we get older and begin to experience unhappiness, we remember. ‘Wait a minute. I came with a magic potion. Now where did I put it?'”

     Once settled in my hometown, I began to notice that I still felt like something was not quite right, and I “should” be happier. I missed my old boss who had started me on this journey of looking at my hardships as gifts, and I did not have one friend who was interested in this way of viewing the mysteries of life. I was done with therapy and attending church was no longer appealing to me. It was only a matter of a month or two that a “friend” recommended I go to Al Anon, a twelve step program for families of alcoholics. I told myself that I really wasn’t dealing with a drinker, but my dad’s father was an alcoholic, so that applied. Without saying much more, she assured me that I could definitely benefit. Immediately, I learned that my father was my “qualifier,” and his controlling tactics/gambling “dis-ease” had tremendously affected my life. I quickly learned that I was also a bonafide control freak. I had spent most of my young adult life checking boxes off my bucket list in order to appease my brain noise; but with each check mark, my happiness tank did not fill as expected. Being willing to take responsibility for my reactions was not easy, and at the same time, felt incredibly powerful. There was actually something I could do besides being the proverbial victim. 

     As I began to attend Al Anon meetings, I created so much enthusiasm for what I was learning about myself. And like a typical newbie, I didn’t keep the focus on me. I started to notice how most of my friends could use the twelve steps, too. I “thought” they would want to come along, and created addiction for them to do just that. In fact, I wanted the whole world to wake up and use the tenets of the group: 

1. When we finger point, three fingers will point back. 
2. Keep our eyes on ourselves-NOT on our qualifier.
3. Expectations are premeditated resentments.

Rarely skipping a meeting, I began to create a huge relief with all my new found tidbits of wisdom. Within the first month, I got myself a sponsor and digested every word. It was 2009.

     Shortly after meeting my sponsor, I drove to her home in Avila Beach for one of our first private meetings. Her name was Jayne. She sat on a chair opposite of mine with a round coffee table in between us. It had some plastic cups on it with a small bowl of hard candies. Once settled, she began a demonstration to explain the spiritual work necessary that sometimes words cannot sufficiently describe. She began to stack the multicolored cups, referencing the first one as my child/innocent self. As she continued to add one cup on top of the other, she said that these were the walls that I had created for protection. She called these walls, “the ego.” The cups stood high and my mind flashed back to the Leaning Tower of Pisa-reminding me of my one-year-anniversary trip to Italy with the Kaptain.

     After the last cup was stacked, Jayne looked up at me and said, "You know what we are here to do, Kathleen?" 

    "What?" I replied with thirsty curiosity. 

     She then slowly started to take one cup off at a time. "We are here to go back to the child you once knew."