SURRENDER- A Prayer That Works

“The journey of being human has only two paths: 

The path of love or the path of fear.

Which path have you been traveling? Which do you most often choose?

By now, you’ve figured out the path of love is the one on which you experience happiness.

Ask yourself now what story you use to take you off the path of love onto the path of fear. Then do yourself a favor-drop the story.”

     Prayer is the most powerful tool. I just didn’t know how to welcome it as an opportunity for strength- not weakness. How to pray to the invisible without coming from a place of fearful desperation. For most of my life, I prayed for some outside force to help me or others with my challenges. My prayer would go something like this: "Are You There God? It's me, Kathleen." Please help my friend who is struggling. Please help me get rid of my eye cancer. Please help me with our son. Please help me. HELP ME! PLEASE! In Jesus name I pray, Amen."  

     And then, one day, Love whispered back to me...

Are you HERE Kathleen? It's Me, God.

     I have been here ALL ALONG. Waiting for you to claim your birthright to freedom. Waiting for you to acknowledge that I am here in the present moment. You will know how to help yourself and others through my wisdom. You do not need to ask for my help, no more than you need to ask the sun to shine. You do not need to earn my love. I love you. No matter what. If you are willing to receive my grace, your life will be one of joy and peace. I will wait for you unconditionally. 

Forever and even then...

     Once I realized that the Universe does not work for my benefit without my cooperation, I changed my prayer given by Cinnamon. By honoring the Five Pathways To Ultimate Surrender,  I have created so much faith in these simple, and yet, powerful calls to responsibility, trust, and surrender. A prayer that is NOT of need, but of gratitude. 

PRAYER

THANK YOU THAT I AM AN INSTRUMENT OF YOUR LOVE.

THANK YOU THAT LOVE ENDURES ALL THINGS AND IS FOREVER.

THANK YOU THAT IT IS IN GIVING THAT I RECEIVE.

THANK YOU THAT IN CHOOSING LOVE I DRAW NEARER TO YOU-MY TRUEST SELF.

THANK YOU THAT EVEN IN MY DARKEST HOUR YOU ARE WITH ME.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

SURRENDER- Who Are We Not To Dream Together?

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”

-Harriet Tubman

2014

Good Morning, Awakening  Beings!

     How many of you out there are scared to DREAM? And dream BIG? Thinking, Who am I to live a life that I desire? That’s selfish, so I will dream for my kids or others instead? My heart responds, Who are you not to? When we choose love, we must be self-loving and claim how special we really are. For years, I stopped watching shows like Oprah or American Idol because I was tired of watching others make their dreams come true while I was couching it, eating chocolate chip cookies, and wishing that I was “special.” I didn’t like the discomfort I created inside, so I avoided my trigger and people who were making their dreams come true. Anyone who reads my blogs knows by now that our triggers will not go away by avoiding them. And I learned the hard way.

     Besides my “not enough” worldly program, I feared failure if I reached for the stars. And I was addicted to touching, holding, and having the star. So, why go for it? It just seemed too painful. Until I realized that it was more distressing to not go for it and put everything into achieving my dreams. This was my miracle (or change in perception), and I have been moving and shaking life up ever since, despite people's “good” or “bad” opinion. 

    Sure, I have big dreams of helping people from around the globe change their perceptions about love while distinguishing the doer from the deed. And I will receive exactly what I need for my spiritual growth. The Rolling Stones sing it so well: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want, But You Get What You Need.” I will continue to play the “what if” game for myself and release my need for life to be any other way than it is. 

“What-is is.

What does that mean, ‘What-is is’?

It means that life is what it is and often there is nothing you can do about it. Resisting what-is is the road to suffering. You don’t have to like what-is to accept it.” 

Our freedom is to trust our soul's path and let go of the outcome, allowing our heart to decide what is best for us and others. 

“How do I accept what-is if I don’t like it?”

Practice saying ‘yes’ to what-is.

Take the deepest breath you can.

Exhale and say, ‘Yes.’

‘Yes.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Yes.’.....

Practice.”

I know who I am and the depth of my service; and I say, "Use me up, God. You know what I want, and I am so relieved and humbled to be your servant, accepting what I need with all my heart.”

Ahhh...the sweet sounds of surrender. Please join me, my friends. Who Are We Not To Dream Together? 

SURRENDER- Stay In Love, Leave In Love

“There Is Only One Truth...Love.”

     On my first date with the Kaptain, I thought, “So, this is the guy I am going to marry?” I inherently knew from the moment he swirled his red wine glass and said, “Check out those legs.” 

      “Legs?” I replied. I had never heard of the term, used to describe the streaks of wine that form on the inside of the glass when you move it. Later learning that the French call it the “tears of wine.” Little did I know that I was in for many tears throughout the years. Mostly, from not knowing who in the heck I was or how to be a wife or mother. 

     After our date, I was intrigued to learn more about this man who I later discovered met my models for romance. And how I thought a real woman “should” be treated.

     BUT...something was always off. 

     Our differences were apparent from the get-go, and I wanted him to change. I was right and he was wrong. And he felt the same way about me as we entered the rope pulling contest, attaching ourselves to a self righteous mindset where love never abides. My indecisive mind would go back and forth where I would think, He’s the one for me to I made a mistake. The challenge was that I didn’t know how to distinguish which was which. Because I was serving fear, I was not tapping into my heart’s knowing. I feared failure and continually faced one of the most difficult conundrums of my life. At this point, I didn’t realize that I was judging him. I was not honoring our differences and continually addicted to some things being different, looking for every reason to prove why we SHOULD be together. Krew being one of them. When I met Cinnamon, I was thinking about giving up. Just from mind exhaustion alone. Although the Kaptain and I weren’t big fighters, I found myself picking arguments with him over nothing. I detested living in limbo land, and I wanted to force myself into making a decision instead of being still and willing for love to surface and do its thing. I created the added urgency because of my eye cancer for the fourth time and our son’s challenges. I was paralyzing myself in fear and needed to do something drastic and quick. I created addiction to knowing my answer and created anger that I was even addicted.

“Remember...there are NO good addictions, especially the one to not having addictions.”

      Cinnamon’s twin soul and my heart family, Heidi, gifted me a plaque which read, “Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind, Love Never Fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4. I stared at it everyday, surrendering to my process which could not be rushed. For I was unwilling to leave our marriage serving fear. Once I created tenderness and compassion for my process, I  gave myself permission to leave or stay in love. This was when I stepped out of my mind and began to see more clearly. Cinnamon suggested for me to begin looking at our marriage from a different perspective. If I were loving myself, I would be unwilling to judge him. Wow...really? I questioned my teacher’s guidance (she encourages me to), and she hadn’t failed me yet, so why not? First, I resented the fact that I was the only one doing the spiritual work necessary to change the dynamic of our marriage. It seemed to me that the Kaptain created work distractions and disconnection from his feelings. I had been working on my sh** for years in one form or another, continually making myself his teacher. A role that he never asked for nor wanted. Cinnamon continued to help me see how I could be responsible for my own happiness and stop needing him to be a certain way. My mind would often resist, thinking...Why do I have to be the one doing it all? Ghandi’s quote continually became my mantra, “Be The Change You Wish To see In The World.” This was it, I needed to be the one to change. I had suffered enough and refused to live out an endurance contest, spending the rest of our days in complacency. I knew that there was something more. And my instinct served me well. Once I accepted the fact that it was ALL up to me, I learned a life changing lesson. I was far harder on myself than I had realized. 

     Once I began to be kinder and less judgmental on Kathleen, I started to see the Kaptain with a whole new set of eyes. It was truly beautiful, and we made the decision to stay together. On our TEN year wedding anniversary, my husband surprised me with a dress and a renewal on the largest island in Belize, Ambergris Caye. It was like a scene out of a movie except for the weather. We said our vows in the fog, much like on our “misty” wedding day. The rest of our vacation was filled with smiles, hand holding, and I must admit an utter sense of relief that we actually made it to the ten-year mark. 

    When we returned home form the Caribbean paradise, life became business as usual. I created joy by diving deeper into teacher training with Cinnamon and entered myself into a Hay House writer’s competition. The Kaptain continued to go along to get along in his life with a look of dread from the minute his eyes opened after many night of restless sleep. The days of calling me “Butter Cup” (my wedding ring inscription) were long gone, and the light in his eyes was slowly dimming. As painful as this was for me to observe, I was finally willing to get out of the way, and let go of “trying” to make him happy (like that ever works, anyway). 

     Surprisingly, after about ten months of creating oneness with him and staying in love, our “mental mists” finally parted, and we knew our marriage over. A “change in perception” and (again) miracle was indeed occurring. We had a divisive discussion over some bagels after a Sunday service where Cinnamon was a guest speaker. After finishing breakfast, the Kaptain and I took one look at each other and knew. Just like that. On Saturday we had NO idea that our marriage would soon becoming to a screeching halt. By Wednesday, we made the 50/50 decision to leave our almost eleven year marriage and change form. It wasn’t easy, and it was simple. Our decision came as a shock to even Tanja. She started to cry and said, “Are you sure?” I was beyond sure and knew that I had done everything to save the marriage except for selling my soul. I allowed myself to move on in peace while beginning to create a friendship with the man I once called my “True Companion” (his wedding ring inscription). I had no idea what I was in for next. For all I knew, I could get ten cats and die as a nun. What I did know was that no matter how hard life could get, I would never look back on the decision to divorce with regret. 

Dear Kaptain,

I will love you, always.

SURRENDER- Addicted To Your Child's Happiness? Join the club,

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”

-Kahlil Gibran

2014

     Recently, my husband and I took our son to see The Lego Movie. We laughed at each “adult” nuance given for the viewing pleasure of us parents who would often rather be anywhere than viewing one more random lego piece blown away to oblivion. Krew sat in between us while the Kaptain and I gave each other the occasional bonding glance of, “I know what you are thinking.” The movie’s premise was about deprogramming our computerized minds, following our hearts, and remembering that each person is uniquely “special” (even the “bad” guys). I was creating happiness that movies are coming out like this for our children-besides occupying the same space with my family after a LONG week of the Kaptain working on the road.

    After the movie, my husband and I eagerly asked our son, “How did you like it?” I could sense that Krew’s physical unease was back, which he calls his “inner buggy.” I am grateful that the days of his public explosions seem to be over, and we still have a long way to go. With a frown on his face, he said: “I hated it” and “It was the worst movie, ever!” (Much like our trips to Hawaii and Disneyland). He repeated his displeasure over and over again until he aggressively stomped into the house. This is when Tavi Dog’s greetings couldn’t be more inviting because at least our dog appreciates us.

    I have been trained very well to let go of my expectations and stop pulling on the rope with Krew and his mental quirks, saying to him with so much compassion: “Ok, you don’t have to like it, buddy. I am right here with you. You have every right to your experience.” This is when I continue to breathe and quietly walk with him, desperately hoping that he will manage his “inner buggy” instead of allowing it to manage him. This is when I “try” to not be addicted to his happiness. 

    At this point, Cinnamon’s words had become a tape recorder in my head...“Trying is a word that will get you into trouble, Kathleen. You’ll get kudos from the world for ‘trying’ and you won’t accomplish a whole lot.” 

“But,” what parent does not addictively want their child to be happy? As I get my butt out of the way, I breathe into the truth... It is impossible to make anyone happy, including my son. 

     Dear God, do I really need to drive or fly to faraway lands, looking at gems and mining for Fire Agate in order for MY SON to be happy?  

     Are You HERE Kathleen? It’s Me, God. 

    Sweet beloved, you could release your addiction and please remember to get the “my” part of of it, he is not yours.

     Oh yeah! Although I will give my ego an “A” for effort, it never wins. When I take the “my” out of it, I trust that God has us all where we need to be. I am not Krew’s owner, Love is his true parent, and I am entrusted with his care. This is when I am willing to surrender to our spiritual path and create compassion for myself and him from my soul’s perspective...

“I feel with loving compassion the problems of (Krew and Kathleen) without getting caught up emotionally in their predicaments that are offering them messages they need for their growth.” 

-Ken Keyes Jr. (The Eighth Pathway To Higher Consciousness)

     By letting go of my addictive need for our son to be happy and honoring the Second Pathway (“Addictions are the only cause of suffering-NO exceptions”), I allow the space for him to experience the power of creating his OWN happiness. When I give him to Love, he becomes another awakening being. This depersonalizes everything for me. 

“I am perceiving everyone, including myself, as an awakening being who is here to claim his or her birthright to the higher consciousness planes of unconditional love and oneness.”

-Ken Keyes Jr. (The Twelfth Pathway To Higher Consciousness)

     Ahh...my friends, breathe it all in. We are not responsible for our child’s happiness or for anyone’s emotions. It’s up to us on how we choose to react to life’s circumstances. Total responsible equals  freedom.  Let go of our addictive needs and we are are in the seat of power. What a bonus!

SURRENDER- Resist Death, Resist Life

“What you resist persists because you are struggling and fighting against it. The only way to win is to relax and let it be what it is. It is like the tide. Fight it if you will, although if you lie down and let it wash over you, it is going to go back out. The only way to have control in your life is to be with life as it is. That’s when the wisdom shows up and you will know exactly what to do for yourself to endure. Being afraid of death is such a drain. The “what is” is that you’re going to die of something. You have a choice: resist the inevitable or die happy in surrender.”

     I don’t know about you, but I have resisted death since the day I learned about its existence. As a teenager, I ignored the inevitable because I was too young to even think about such morbid thoughts. Dying was not something I was going to do any time soon, so why worry about it? Well, it is true that we should not worry about death or anything for that matter, but when we resist death, we resist life. At any age.

     One could conclude that after living with cancer for more than twenty years, I would have started getting used to the idea of death and LIVE while I was still alive. To not worry about the good opinions of others or anything else for that matter. Man, I can be one stubborn head. Fortunately, I had met Cinnamon by my fourth eye cancer diagnosis, and she helped me see how I could choose to view death differently.

“You are going to die at some point anyway. Do you want to die in love?

Or, do you want to die in fear?

     Every six months, I travel north to San Francisco to see my oncologist, also taking blood tests to assure that the melanoma has not metastasized to my liver. Most often, I would text a group of friends for some extra prayers while awaiting my fate for approximately four hours in the waiting room. My heart would pound, my legs would shake and breathing was not a part of my consciousness. I usually fixated on the salt water fish tank, doing my best to not stare at the others who were also awaiting their plight. The room was usually quiet.

    “It looks stable, Kathleen.” The doctor would most often report. Exhaling, I would realize that I had been holding my breath for most of the day.

     “Yahoo!” I would squeal to the Kaptain. My enthusiasm would often wane after just a few days. I would then push my fears down and live in denial for six months until my next appointment.

    Recently, my husband and I walked into that same room that I had dreaded and hated for years. This time, I welcomed the opportunity and chose love, letting go of the addictive demand that the appointment go my way. No longer choosing to bargain with God, I asked my loved ones to pray for my peace, regardless of the outcome. This time, instead of holding my breath and freaking out in the waiting room, I looked at the aquarium in awe. How did I miss these colorful creatures? This time, I took deep breaths, reminding myself that everything was here FOR my spiritual growth. EVERYTHING. I continued to surrender, remembering that I was just a mere player in the game of life.

    “It looks stable, Kathleen.” The doctor said.

     Because of the different way that I approached this appointment, I experienced a completely different reaction. Instead of relief, I experienced gratitude. My reward for nonresistance was inner peace.