W.O.W.Z.E.R. (Without Worry Zero Energy Required)
“When you are choosing love, no one can take advantage of you. You are doing what your heart says, and you must do that no matter what. You are at the whims of no one.”
2016
At this point, I couldn’t even count how many times my father had told to me to not come around. He made no bones about it, I had “not taken care of my goods” during my marriage/divorce with the Kaptain, and did NOT meet his models as HIS daughter. Deep down, I know that he wanted me to act like the needy child that I used to be, “trying” to convince him that I was worthy of his love. All the pleading in the world will not help a person who doesn’t want assistance, and he didn’t want help. In his way of seeing it, he had nothing to work on, and I was the one who was WRONG. With Cinnamon’s help, I was finally taking responsibility for my separateness. My father was used to the conflict and detested me for not pulling on the rope. He hated her even more, accusing her of being a cult leader, not seeing that I was the one who was continually seeking Cinnamon’s counsel without ever paying a penny. For too many years, I did my best to entertain and make my father happy. I have come to know that when someone is creating addiction, there is nothing that one can say or do to fill the black hole of addiction. My mother and I continued our distant relationship, spending less and less time together. My mother’s getting lost while driving on the way to my home to receive a facial helped me to face the fact that she was entering dementia. A few months later, she fell which catapulted her into a deeper state of unawareness. When I got the call, I immediately went to the center. I hadn’t seen my father in about a year or so. As usual, he gave me the silent treatment and ditched me. I laid on my mother’s bed with her and cried. She barely knew who I was.
In the following weeks, dad and I began to talk. I was given disturbing information from my now more lucid mom and her bed neighbor about a nurse being rough with my mom during the night. From a heart centered place, I went to the head nurse about it. When hearing the news, my father went ballistic, telling me that it was none of my business and that my mom is difficult to deal with. My heart dropped, remembering that he often seemed to care more about the good opinion of strangers than his own family.
Once mom was released and went back to the house, I noticed that she needed a nurse and PRONTO. My father wouldn’t have it, wanting me to spend the night at least once a week for assistance. I told him that I was willing to do that, and the demeaning and demanding way he was speaking to my mom and I was not going to work for me. I said that if I were to frequently visit, he needed to speak to me without screaming. I even tape recorded part of the conversation to remind myself of his contempt. Within minutes of me putting out for how I wanted to be treated, he reverted to his usual pattern of abandonment. I remember saying with so much heart, “I love you, and I know that you love me, dad. It doesn’t need to be this way.” I was finally willing to let go and truly give him what he said he wanted, honoring our life’s contract. I had come too far to allow him to be my dictator and put myself in a situation that was incredibly toxic. For years, I had made many attempts, talking to my mom about moving her out of the house and putting her in a senior community where she could enjoy her last years. Although she threatened divorce many times, her fear of being alone prevailed. I was finally willing to listen to her past advise...”Don’t worry about your father and go live your life.” To do what she didn’t do, love myself enough to no longer accept verbal abuse/misogyny as the status quo. Vicariously, she was living through me. At the age of forty-six, I finally created the courage to choose love, trust God, and leave. I haven’t been in my childhood home since.
W.O.W.Z.E.R.- My Female Partner
“Be courageous enough to be yourself, to follow God’s guidance even when it completely contradicts what the world has dictated is the RIGHT way to be.”
At the age of forty-six, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and it was timely for me to finally move on from Cara. At this point, the idea of being with another man became less and less appealing. I did not want to go on a dating site, and bar hopping was definitely a thing of my past. I continued to day dream about being with a woman in every way. I remember saying to Cinnamon that I was committed to experiencing being with a female before choosing to be with another man. I then asked her about one of her previous students whom I had met just a few times. She was one whom I found beyond interesting with captivating blue eyes, crazy curly black hair, and a contagious personality. She was feminine and masculine, depending on her mood and very witty. But what I loved about her most was her kind, dear heart. She was an artist whom had built (with her own hands) her one-of-a-kind home on the Peninsula in Hope, Idaho. Her dad had once been the State Senator, and she lived on a street named after him. She had also worked as a well known barista at the popular Vivace Coffee Shop, preparing espressos and lattes topped with foam art in Seattle. She knew how to live on the land and get’er done (sooo unlike me), and had trained as a massage therapist which was
much more like my laid back Cali lifestyle. For the last few years, she moved to Scio, Ohio where she had been refurbishing a hundred year old home while working as the Lead Material Coordinator for a pipeline. Close to being done with the projects, she was tentatively planning to move to my hometown to be by Cinn before she dies.
much more like my laid back Cali lifestyle. For the last few years, she moved to Scio, Ohio where she had been refurbishing a hundred year old home while working as the Lead Material Coordinator for a pipeline. Close to being done with the projects, she was tentatively planning to move to my hometown to be by Cinn before she dies.
I would like to say that my partner was a “Jill” of all trades who had been through A LOT and had learned even more. Uh...so had I, it seemed that it couldn’t have been more perfect. Especially, since she was planning on living in my hometown. My “thought” process went something like this... I kind of like the idea of starting our relationship long distance, especially since I am still figuring out how to manage myself with Krew, and I know that The Kaptain will need some time to warm up to the idea of my new way of being. Hmm...she seems that she could be as intense and sexual as I am, so that definitely works. Plus, Cinnamon was her mentor in Seattle, so I don’t have to explain any of my spiritual practice. That keeps it simple. I can see us going into this from a completely open and communicative exploration. A place where we would take all responsibility for our choices, and no one will get hurt (Sometimes, I can be so naive).
I made the first move by texting her, asking her if she would be interested. Well, I learned quickly that there is something absolutely mind boggling when two women get together. Everything goes FAST. Real fast. The joke about lesbians bringing a U-Haul on their second date is true, and we went for it.
It was not long after that (around Easter time) that we would meet at an airport in Pennsylvania. The moment that I had on and off daydreamed about for most of my life. My first real kiss with a
WOMAN...
WOMAN...
To be continued.
W.O.W.Z.E.R.-Farewell To My Father
“Are you willing to make your health, your spirit,
and the health of your spirit come first? Will you
put everything else second?”
and the health of your spirit come first? Will you
put everything else second?”
Being in a long distance relationship, I was continually on the phone with my girlfriend. As nervous as we were to be together in the physical (and experience our first kiss), we couldn’t wait. One afternoon, we were on the phone as I walked my dog along a boardwalk next to the beach. The wind was interfering with our cell connection, so I headed back toward the parking lot to finish our conversation in the car. Within moments, I looked up from the boardwalk, and was face to face with my father. He was sitting on a park bench by the parking lot, waiting for my mother who was using the restroom. It felt like a scene out of a movie. My heart began to pound, and I quickly hung up the phone. I had not seen my father since that last conversation in my old home, but had been frequently visiting my mom who was now deeper into dementia and living in a nursing home.
“Hi Dad,” I said.
He did not answer, staring at me with a blank look on his face.
Tavi Dog immediately recognized him and his dog, Pepe. She went ballistic, jumping on him and barking for attention. To my shock and horror, he didn’t respond to her. My father always had an
extra loving affection towards my dog, and I thought that she could be the perfect ice breaker. Before I could say anything, my mom walked out of the restroom. Relieved, I directed my attention toward my mother and gave her a huge hug. At this point, she still knew my name (Kathleen) and could still use the restroom by herself. We spoke for a few minutes, but what happened next continues to send shivers down my spine...
extra loving affection towards my dog, and I thought that she could be the perfect ice breaker. Before I could say anything, my mom walked out of the restroom. Relieved, I directed my attention toward my mother and gave her a huge hug. At this point, she still knew my name (Kathleen) and could still use the restroom by herself. We spoke for a few minutes, but what happened next continues to send shivers down my spine...
Still ignoring my dog, my father got up from the park bench, grabbed my mom’s arm, and started walking towards the beach. I was left standing there, awkwardly by myself, with two dogs. Pepe had always loved playing with Tavi, and was not following my parents. I felt like a “bad” little girl again, not knowing what to do. My lifelong pattern had been to kiss up to my dad and do whatever it took to get on his “right” side. This time, I had acquired enough self respect to put myself first and comfort
myself. Instead of running up and walking with them, I yelled...
myself. Instead of running up and walking with them, I yelled...
“Dad...Dad!”
They continued to march forward.
I created concern for their dog, so I called out his name again. This time, my parents turned around.
Giving my father a chance to retract his demand that we not have contact, I said...
“Dad, would you like me to walk with you guys?” My mother remained silent.
With a scorn on his face, he looked at me straight in my eyes and said, “No.” With that he called his dog, turned his back towards me, and he and my mother walked away. It was as if God was saying loud and clear...
“You no longer need to have walks with your father.”
One cannot describe how surreal and life changing this moment was for me. It was his way or the highway, and his abandoning tactics where no longer working. At this point, I cannot count how many times he had left me, and I was finally done. In that moment, I saw myself step even deeper into my new name and go where it is, NOT where it isn’t. To start my life over with authentic people who were truly present in my life and cared enough to stand by my side.
For years, I had suffered greatly in my resistance to the spiritual nature of the contract with my father. Where was my compassion? It is all so obvious now. For I did not have it to give. And, he did not know that he was enough. My father thought that by controlling the outside, he would finally be able create peace on the inside. And I, being his mirror, created the same illusion. A bridge that I was
finally willing to cross by blessing both of our hearts, and leave in love.
finally willing to cross by blessing both of our hearts, and leave in love.
Dear Dad,
Thank you for showing up as a character who wore the adversarial hat in my life. Such a hard part to play in the Shakespearean connotation of the theater of life. Despite it all, I know your heart and have chosen the opportunity to forgive that which needs no forgiveness. From a spiritual perspective, you did it all for me. I can see that now. For I would not know what it would mean to love unconditionally and be openly brave without you. So please, know this... I love you. And, no matter what you say or do, I know that you love me, too.
Always,
Your one and only daughter
W.O.W.Z.E.R.-We Kiss
“If you are going to play the “what if” game, play it for yourself-not against yourself.”
As I began preparing for my trip to Ohio, I was full of enthusiasm about the very notion that I was
about to embark on a new adventure to finally experience being with a woman. My girlfriend. We committed to being partners prior to seeing one other. A decision that was not easy for me, we made right around Valentine’s Day. What if I get there and I am not attracted? What if we are WAY too different? What if she isn’t attracted to me?!? What if..
about to embark on a new adventure to finally experience being with a woman. My girlfriend. We committed to being partners prior to seeing one other. A decision that was not easy for me, we made right around Valentine’s Day. What if I get there and I am not attracted? What if we are WAY too different? What if she isn’t attracted to me?!? What if..
Be Here, Francesca. IF (Imagined Future). Play the game for yourself.
Ok...ok...
I remember the scene like a movie. I turned the corner and saw her waiting for me at baggage claim. She was casually leaning against a pole, wearing a tailored suit with crazy out of control hair, and dark lipstick. Kind of like a hot female Edward Scissor Hands.
Thank God! I’m attracted.
She was unlike anyone I had ever met or even seen. Perfect, just the way this Aquarian likes ``it. I decided to try and surprise her by sneaking up behind her, but she turned her head and caught my strategic maneuvering. We did a little “shall we dance” game, shaking off our nervousness. And then...right in front of what seemed like the whole world, we kissed.
It was beyond magical. It seemed like a fairytale, and I was being swept away-never to inhabit planet earth again. The kiss wasn’t long. It was sweet, caring, passionate, and respectful all in one. Unlike my seventh grade experience with a boy, it couldn’t have been better. After the kiss was done I stared into her deep blues for what seemed like eternity. Being that intimate was not something I was used to, and I created fear. Talk about walking away from heaven. It was just too good to be true, and I obviously didn’t deserve it. I glanced around and my homophobia presented itself.
Is anyone looking? Or even worse, disgusted?
I never knew that I was homophobic until I made the decision to go for it all the way. It is so much easier to ”think” that you don’t have any fear around homosexuals/bisexuals when you are partnered with the opposite gender. Illusions are many, and I discovered my fears quickly. Mainly the stress of being rejected by anyone and everyone for choosing to be with a woman. Once I noticed that we were in the clear, I thought about my lazy eye.
Is she ok with it?
As we held each other in a long embrace, I asked her if it bothered her. These were the days where I was still self rejecting, not aware of its unique beauty. Well, fear knows itself. I experienced an immediate change in her energy even though she said that it didn’t bother her. She grabbed my bags, and we began walking. We hadn’t even entered the parking garage.
W.O.W.Z.E.R.-Ohio
“That moment when you want to be wanted by
someone else: that’s the moment to go in. Do ‘you’ want yourself, exactly the way ‘you’ are?”
someone else: that’s the moment to go in. Do ‘you’ want yourself, exactly the way ‘you’ are?”
The seventy mile car trip from our first kiss in the Pittsburgh airport to my girlfriend’s home in the village of Scio, Ohio was definitely awkward. I experienced her as being stressed, and I did my best to look like I didn’t notice. I had once again thrown away my “open myself genuinely” spiritual practice and played the dreaded “small talk” game. It wasn’t long before we entered her hundred year old home. Her house was situated near RAIL ROAD TRACKS and many BRIDGES, immediately reminding me of Cara and all the amazing signs. I “thought,” Maybe this is the girlfriend I am to marry. I then thought, “Stop making these signs mean something. Just marvel in the magic and let go!”
We entered her 100-year-old home, and I felt like I had stepped back in time. She began giving me a tour, and we kissed again. This time, more intensely. She was back, and I no longer experienced her angst. She grabbed my oversized suitcase, carrying it up two flights of stairs. I couldn’t help but giggle, watching her do what I have always called, “a man’s job.” I brought so many outfits for EVERY occasion, and wanted to do what I had always done for my mates. Dress up and deliver (A stereotypical, “woman’s duty”).
She showed me my bedroom (that I never ended up sleeping in), and guided me to a few gifts on the nightstand. A vase of flowers and a pair of folded Victoria Secret striped silk pajamas (ohh, my fav). Delicately placed on top of the PJ’s was a heart made out of wood that Cinnamon had once given her. The heart was a precious belonging of hers that she wanted me to have (a true gift in every sense of the word). I was back in my “you-complete-me” world, I clearly hadn’t completely learned my Cara lesson, completely.
The following morning, we both spoke with Cinnamon, independently. I was right (for whatever that’s worth), my girlfriend was having trouble with my lazy eye, and was even contemplating buying a plane ticket and sending me home. I embraced my old patterns immediately and gave her the power to decide whether I stayed or left. I did my best to not buy in and knew intellectually that this was about her-not me. I clearly needed this for my spiritual growth, but I suffered immeasurably. I also embraced my old programming, making myself ugly and wrong. All the while, God was giving me the perfect divine opportunity to see that my girlfriend was just a glaring mirror of my own insecurities. An opportunity to once and for all take this “eye” vanity stuff off the shelf and put it in the trash for good. My girlfriend decided that I could stay. Lucky me.
Throughout the trip, I experienced her going in and out of her mood swings. I swallowed my fears and pretended that I was creating peace. She brought me around to meet her fellow oil rig co-workers, seeming to want their stamp of approval. I experienced myself like I had with my parents, a Christmas ornament on display. We went to Amish Country and a little village called, Sugarcreek (also known as “The Little Switzerland” of Ohio) where we checked out the world’s largest cuckoo clock. As the Amish waved to us in their horse drawn carriage, I wanted to pinch myself. Is this for real!?!
Up and down we went throughout those four days. To be blatantly honest, all I wanted to do was stay in the house and have sex. This was my first time being with a woman, and I was determined to get what I wanted. Addiction to anything never works. I finally broke down in tears, and had had enough. I opened up and told her that I will not do this anymore. If my girlfriend can’t look at me straight in the eyes without creating discomfort and addicted to her buddy’s approval of me, it wasn’t acceptable. With all my heart, I finally stood up for myself, and she melted. Scaring herself that I was going to break up, she wiped my tears, and I made it mean she was loving me. It met all my models for romance. Yet, we had a lot more to learn...
W.O.W.Z.E.R.- Nine Months
“You need love to get clarity,
not clarity to get love.
When you are willing to choose love,
clarity will follow.”
When I got home from Ohio, Cinnamon suggested that I take a selfie of my lazy eye and breathe through the resistance. She taught me how to love my eye, and appreciate it for all that it had taught me. I had finally broken through, uninterested in ever being with anyone that would not be attracted because of it. During our time a part, she had also been doing her own spiritual work to get through her separateness, realizing that my eye represented “stupidity” for her. Just another trigger for me to breath through. By the time my girlfriend came to visit, I was aware that she had experienced the influence of my having moved through my resistance, empowering her to let go as well. But now, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about her...LOL!. Every time we would meet, we would need time to get used to one another. Two women who looked completely different, from dramatically different worlds. After about an hour, I never wanted to leave her side. We hung on the couch, talked, and snuggled. It was the best.
We spent the next nine months intermittently meeting one another’s family. She even met my dad who had told me that he never wanted to see me again after the Cara/Kaptain scenarios, but my mom and I kept a periodic connection. I wish I was a fly on the wall when my girlfriend picked my mom up with her Saint Bernard, spending a few minutes with my dad. I did hear that he loved the dog (animals are such great intermediaries).
Throughout the entire relationship, I continued my teacher training with Cinnamon. I spoke to her everyday, making sure that I was choosing love and taking responsibility for all my crap. I wish I could say that my new relationship was an easy one, but my addiction to not wanting obstacles was challenging me to the wall. The main one being my ex husband and son. The Kaptain made no bones about it. My new “chosen” lifestyle did not meet his models. He had a new girlfriend, and the way they were working with Krew definitely did not meet mine. I was the disciplinarian, and they were often the fun house. Bad cop/good cop duality was not helping, and my nine-year-old’s behavior was becoming more disrespectful by the minute. I would speak to the Kaptain about how he was treating my girlfriend and I, and he seemed to not care. Krew was great with his dad’s mate, and it was my problem. I experienced my girlfriend not managing this well, and I began working harder with Cinnamon on how to manage myself with all the strife, and...homophobia.
Holding hands in my hometown with the same sex was NOT easy. I created fear in bumping into High School classmates, and my partner’s insecurity bumping into my fear made for greater tension (more mountains to climb). I began to realize my homophobia and watched other people’s fears crashing into mine. And there we were, a group of homophobics, each pointing a finger at the other. When I was in fantasyland with Cara, I never thought about how challenging I could make it. Many people acted like they were cool with my new relationship status, but then I noticed how they never asked how our date was or any questions at all. When I was with a man, people were chewing at the bit to get info. Even Tanja acted differently, bumping into her own fears. It was an awakening for all of us who “thought” we didn’t have an issue. The best part was that Krew did not mind (tick tock, tick tock). I now know what it feels like to be treated like a minority. A program that I am dedicated to changing. You love who you love.
After nine months of being with my girlfriend, who was clear that she was in this relationship for me-not the whole family, I created clarity that I wanted a partner who wanted to parent my son with me. Managing myself with the three of them was just too close to the fire. I also knew that as much as I admired her, we were not meant for one another. I left the relationship with all my heart. I sooo wanted her to be “the one,” dreading the thought of being single again. But this time, I was not going to stay with someone out of fear of not meeting another. Retrospectively, God was bringing me home to being solo. Whole and complete, with or without a partner.
W.O.W.Z.E.R.- Liver Cancer
“Peace is found in the eye of the storm.
Be courageous.
Just a few months after transforming the relationship with my partner from Idaho, I went to work and found out that a patient had died from liver cancer. He and I both had eye cancer and were patients of Dr Char. Considering that we are from a relatively small town, we often conversed about our diagnosis and what all that entailed. Many times, he had asked me if I had an MRI and recommended one to me. When his best friend came into the office after his passing, I remembered that I was due to take my six month blood test. For the FIRST time in all the years of receiving tests, I thought, I better get that done, I could have liver cancer!
My liver panel came back elevated. I was told that it was probable nothing (“too much Pizza and wine, perhaps?”) but to get an MRI, regardless.
On January 30th, 2017, I received a letter that my divorce was final. On that same day, I received notice that I had a 9 cm growth on my liver. The VERY next day, I found out that my insurance had dropped due to the divorce. A “mistake,” and an ugly moment between my ex and I. I threw away all my Living Love teaching and fell on the ground, screaming in utter panic. Heart broken that the Kaptain did not seem to care. Cinnamon left her usual routine of nightly physical therapy and drove up immediately to comfort me, reminding me that “The Light Of Love Is ALWAYS Stronger Than The Darkness Of Fear.” With her Yoda like essence, I created peace. It was timely to be my name and trust everything that I had been taught and experienced. What doesn’t kill you makes you braver, and I was going to be just that.
About one week later, Tanja and I celebrated my 47th birthday at Giuseppe’s Italian Restaurant, one of my favs here on the central coast of Cali. We sidled up to the bar, and I realized that those days were done for me. I ordered a glass of sparkling water in a champagne glass, realizing that my glutenous and glorious days of wine and fine dining were done.
During this time and prior to my biopsy, I had my NaturalPath (and medical intuitive) cleanse my blood. She was the first person to tell me that I indeed did have liver cancer. After the biopsy, it was confirmed. I was officially diagnosed with stage four melanoma which had metastasized from my eye.
This was it. My worst nightmare had come true. I had the cancer of all cancers, and I didn’t have one husband or relative to help me through. Sure, the Kaptain said that he would help out, but the underlying message was clear, it was up to me and God.
Well, we are not given more than we can manage and miracles were on their way. My sister of the heart stood up in a way that was beyond all imagination. She had JUST been hired at a job that she loved but was willing to take the chance of being fired and ask for substantial time off. I wrote a letter on Facebook, hoping for help to house Tanja, and some of my few remaining friends stepped up. One offered a hotel and the other informed me of his sister’s duplex, just DOWN THE STREET from the hospital. My friend and his sister’s dad had died of liver cancer, and their compassion was beyond evident. His sister’s place would not only house Tanja, but be a home where I could recuperate after surgery. She only charged me $100 cleaning fee. I was so relieved and grateful. For I had basically left many toxic relationships and really didn’t know who would be there for me during this challenging time. The best part was that I had never been more surrendered. In a few short weeks, I was going to go back to my old stomping grounds, UCSF. This time, with my chin was up, I was going to be what I wanted to see. A peaceful warrior.
W.O.W.Z.E.R.- Last Visits With Mom
“Are you willing to welcome life’s moment-to-moment opportunities, even if they are painful?
Choose love and you will learn the difference between pain and suffering.
Pain is an unavoidable part of life.
Suffering is a choice.”
It wasn’t easy visiting my mom in the nursing home. She and about five other women watching TV all day, awaiting death. I would often call first and ask if my father was there, doing my best to avoid seeing him. This was her second time in the home. My father had pulled her out for awhile for reasons only God knows why. It was a revolving door back to the nursing home. Upon her return, the nurses told me that she was a different person. They said that they had never seen anyone decline faster than my mom in those few short months alone with my dad. It didn’t surprise me, I knew how my mom was being treated behind closed doors.
When she first arrived in the home, she was told by my father that she would only be there for awhile. She told me that she liked it, and had even met a friend. When I would visit, I made sure that the nurses were taking care of her teeth and did my best to make sure she was being taken care of. I took her on a few outings to get her hair and nails done, but she no longer seemed to care. As time passed, she didn’t want to be gone long. Enigmatically, she strongly requested to go back to the familiarity of my father’s company or the nursing home. During this time, she also informed me about the inheritance and that she and my dad had seen a lawyer. She reiterated that because my father didn’t trust me with money that I was going to be given my half (the other to go to my brother who was the executor) when I was much older. I remember being surprised that I was even still in the trust, considering my relationship with my father was non existent. I also remember saying, “Mom, what if I get cancer again and need the inheritance earlier?” She replied, “I didn’t think of that.” My father had waited to do the living trust when my mom was mentally losing it, but coherent enough to sign the documents.
I would be a liar if I said that I didn’t care. I had been told about this inheritance and my slam dunk safety net since I was seven years old. Many of my decisions had been based on the illusion that I was going to receive it one day. I can’t tell you what it took for me to break this program of security addiction and trust God. I was no longer willing to allow my father to hold it over my head and control me with it. Shortly thereafter, my father brought my mom back home, and she and I did not speak for months.
When I was informed that she was back in the nursing home, I raced over there. She cried when she saw me, telling me how beautiful I was. My mom never was one to compliment me in that way. It was as if she had broken through her own programming and accessed her heart. I told her how much I loved her, and we snuggled on the couch. Within moments, she was back into full blown dementia. Just like that. I cut her toenails which were beyond recognizable and left. In our own way, it was the most beautiful good-bye I could have ever asked for. It was the last time that she seemed to recognize me.
Once diagnosed with liver cancer, I visited her a few times prior to my surgery. I took my son for her birthday, and she didn’t know who we were. On my last visit, I told her that I needed surgery and would be gone. She just twirled a thread of yarn, and I knew that my mom was gone. I looked around God’s waiting room, and one new patient was waving her hands to capture my attention. She was the only one who seemed cognizant of her surroundings. I asked her, “How do you do this all day?” She replied, “I give it to God. I have lived a great life, and I give it all to God.” I began to cry and tell her about my liver. She lovingly assured me that I was in “God’s hands and to have faith.”
W.O.W.Z.E.R.- Hospital Time With Tanja
“There are no discounts in the
‘Store’ of ‘Being Human.’
You are required to pay full price.
Choose Love and it will be worth it.”
On May 4, 2017, I awoke from surgery and told the nurse that I had been “reborn.” I’m sure he thought it was the drugs wearing off, but I knew differently. I was given a chance to start my life over and let go. All the hurt and pain of the dead past was cut away. The doctor took more of my liver than he had previously thought, and my five day stay in the hospital turned into fourteen days when my stomach stopped functioning. One of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. Besides, my stomach feeling like it was going to pop and my body shaking from all the heparin shots and drugs, I was finally a peaceful warrior, exuding a new passion for life. Because liver cancer is often a death sentence, the doctors were startled by my positive attitude. I became a teacher of peace in the most unlikely place. I’m not going to say that my recovery was a walk in the park, and my new found freedom made it all the easier.
The Kaptain and Krew drove up on Mother’s day to surprise me. My ex and I weren’t sure if Krew would be up for it, and he did just fine. They brought me flowers and spoke about all the sports cars Krew wanted to check out, his new obsession. I was overjoyed to see them and grateful that they were both seemingly in good spirits. The visit was memorable even though it was short because Krew felt a cold coming on. My favorite part was that the Kaptain and I chose to push through any of our divorce settlement separateness. Despite it all, like it or not, he was and will always be my family.
It’s always uplifting to see the outpouring of loved ones and energetic support during a challenging time. My ex girlfriend sent me beautiful Calla Lilies, sending sweet texts and supporting me with all her heart. A dear friend came to visit, gifting Tanja and I with baseball caps with the word, “LIVER,” on it. Surprisingly, in the same week of surgery, Cinnamon’s ex husband and father of her three children (Hoppy) tragically died from an experimental drug to cure his cancer (note to self: you don’t always have do everything the doctor tells you). Despite that enormous and sorrowful change in her life, she still managed to call and pray for me incessantly. I felt her all encompassing spirit with me the entire time, and I was beyond blessed. Rest in peace, Hoppy. During my stay, I felt you flying with angel wings and celebrating a life without limits. Thank you for encouraging me to not take it all so seriously.
Tanja was the nurse’s best friend, and my pulse. Everyday, for eight-ten hours, the sister of my heart was by my side with a giving and gracious heart. Without a smidge of fear, she held a bucket for my nausea, walked me around the hospital corridor with a bulky oxygen tank, broke heating packs for my back and rubbed my feet. She even created time for some thrift shopping and bought me a new plaid shirt. We cried, we laughed, we prayed, and we bonded more than ever. One would think that we were having a good time. And they’d be right. We made the most of it, and the experience will be engraved in my heart forever. It’s almost funny how the seemingly worst situations in life can bestow God’s most gracious gifts. A sisterhood that will always be us in all ways.
W.O.W.Z.E.R.- Recovery And Saying Good-bye To Mom
“Your body is the vehicle that transports the gift of Love in the world.
Keep the vehicle in top-notch working condition.
Feed it with the best food you can afford. Rest it well.
Treat it with tenderness and compassion.
Do this and you will be, by your example, responsible for having been the vehicle for transporting the most meaningful message in life: that to genuinely love others, you must start with yourself. ”
When I was wheeled out of the UCSF hospital, I breathed in the air like never before. It took three months to recover. Tavi Dog and I spent many days walking slowly around my neighborhood on the lake, and Cinnamon began to teach me how to cook in a more healthy way. The days of alcohol, sugar, dairy, and eating whatever I wanted were done. All the sadhanas given by Cinnamon throughout my training were beginning to make more sense to me than ever before, making my extreme changes less difficult. I cut my hair which was now down to my chin into a short pixie and stopped dying it blonde. For this forty-seven California girl, the decision to grow out my gray was morbidly challenging. People’s silent reactions were even harder. My sanity was cherishing the God in me and letting go of all my worn out fearful programs. As I began to experience a new life, I did my best to nurture myself with loving people and a healthy lifestyle. The thought of avoiding my father and visiting my mom was no longer a holistic part of the plan to heal my liver. I was no longer willing to continue the painful dancing trio, so I called her home care facility and spoke to a nurse.
“I am still recuperating from liver surgery.” I said. And then my questions began... “How is she? Does my mom know that I have not been there? Does she miss me?”
“Your mom is doing fine. But I’m sorry honey, she has not mentioned you nor noticed that you are gone.”
“Do you think she will be fine if she doesn’t see me?” I asked to make sure.
She assured me, and I was on my way towards a new direction.
I remember feeling a bittersweet sense of relief that my mom was doing well without me. It was as if she was once again encouraging me to go live, and to not worry. It seemed that in her own passive aggressive way, she was getting my father back for all the behind the door emotional abuse. Regardless, it was none of my business. I didn’t know that I would never see her again, but I did know that my liver and my life depended on me creating a peaceful environment without my father’s energetic interference. I had literally had a liver to repair, and I made the decision to do what ever that took to be HERE. Not only for my son and anyone else who would need my assistance, but to be here because I wanted to be. I knew that many people would not not agree with my decision to no longer visit my mom. And I was letting God do my decision making.
Dear Mom,
Please forgive me for not understanding your pain throughout the years. I addictively wanted to pop your protective bubble, and LET ME IN. Obviously, you weren’t meant for that nor had the love to give. When you once thanked Cinnamon for taking me on as a child of her heart, I knew that you wanted dad to be off your back, and in your own way you were giving me the biggest gift I could have ever asked for. Two mothers. You groomed me, fed me, and made sure that I had a degree. So important for a child to have a solid base to build upon. But I am mostly grateful that your example showed me that all the time and money in the world does not buy self love or happiness. You paid a high price for your supposed life of luxury.
I love you,
Your daughter
W.O.W.Z.E.R.- Give Yourself To Love
“I have entered the realm of magic that is accessible to everyone; the remarkable choice to be grateful, even and especially for the parts of life I don’t like.”
-Cybele (Love Song)
It's been just a little over two years since the final blood moon of 2014-2015. The next tetrad will be in sixteen years. For whatever that's worth. One may assume that I am into moon cycles and howl every chance I get. Nope, I really don't pay much attention unless it knocks me over the head like this last one did.
My union with Cara was destined in the stars, I have no doubt. I do not know much about her, anymore. All I can say is that after we met on the morning of the FIRST Blood Moon (4-14-14), she has spiritually grown as much as I have.
That is what earth school is about, anyway. Growth. We get chance after chance to learn our lessons; and then once learned, move onto the next one. Ultimately, we are here to be given the opportunity to choose to remember who we really are and then to give it by the example of the way we live our lives.
So simple; and yet, needs lots of practice.
I wasn't programmed to know what it meant to love, unconditionally. I don't know about you, but I don't know many who are. Love is born of fire; and in the last six years, it took A LOT for me to surrender to God, first. For most of my life, I sold my soul to the good opinion of others (including the opinion of my own programmed mind).
Once I experienced the 9cm tumor diagnosis on the same day that my divorce was final, I made a vow to be a LIVER and grateful. Ultimately, this means: Give Myself To Love-NO Exceptions. My life now depends on it.
