SURRENDER-My Crazy Mama

"Don't push down your feelings. Breathe and let them out. It's like taking out the trash. You wouldn't sift through the trash to see what's inside. It's trash!! Dump it or recycle it into something useful!! Either way, get it out of the house!"

     Is this really what doing the spiritual work looks like? As I turned into an unrecognizable  version of myself, the Kaptain sat there paralyzed on the couch. I haven't screamed this hard since an ex-boyfriend lied to me about taking Ecstasy. My throat kills from the pain. I have no voice left. My wrist feels sprained from slamming it down so hard on the arm of the sofa. My husband’s eyes wide open. In eleven years of being together he has never met her.  My inner critic. My "Crazy Mama." Man, what am I talking about, either had I.

     She was angry. REALLY angry. Judgmental. Intolerant. Guilty. Scared. Veins bursting. It felt like my eyes were popping out of my head. The Kaptain said that they were as I ranted my
thoughts OUT LOUD...

"Get it together Kathleen. It's only a F*ing day. There are people who take care of the elderly ALL DAY LONG. There are parents who are the arms and legs for their quadriplegic child. What do you have to complain about? Drama Queen! You act as if you are in prison. So what if your kid said, ‘Mama, mama, MAMA...all day long.' In your very near future he will be off with his friends, and you will long for him to tug at your shirt just one more time. 

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!"

     Silence. 

     I looked up from my "Crazy Mama" trance and looked at the Kaptain. Margarita in hand, Tavi Dog staring at me on his lap. Both looking at me like I was a lunatic in a horror movie. Embarrassed? Sort of. Thank God our five year old was sleeping, and I was taking responsibility. Grateful that I did NOT spew my venom towards my husband. I am sure he was relieved too.  Grateful to know...We are NOT our thoughts. 

     For the first time in forty-two years, I gave my mind a voice. A VERY loud and clear voice. I screamed loud enough for my neighbors to hear. At myself. Much like I had done for years in silence. Tears of gratitude and relief rolled down my cheeks. Vulnerable. Humbled. NO MORE suppression. It was timely for me to embrace my "Crazy Mama." To take out my trash and expose MY ugly lying mind. 

     I was willing to go there. To look crazy. To expose the very thing I was "trying" to ignore. This is what keeps me from creating oneness and peace. Pretending that everything is ok never works. I could only suppress it for so long.

Recovery.

     As I calmed my mind, the fog lifted. I was willing to hear the whispers of my heart... 

Are You HERE Kathleen? It's Me, God.

NO MORE. No more put downs. No more excuses. I gave you the opportunity to hear yourself. For The Kaptain to hear your illusion of what is true. Love is perfect. Even your "so-called" imperfections are a "perfect" manifestation of love. Let go!

     As my husband and I slipped into the hot tub, our tense muscles relaxed. I looked up at the dark sky, and I turned toward light and hope.