“Instead of inviting people into our lives who want
to join us in loving ourselves, we tend to invite
people (especially romantic relationships) into
our lives to further support the mind’s ‘illusory’
version of loving ourselves.
Stop now and please think about this with your heart.”
After a year of dating, the Kaptain proposed to me with a three stone diamond ring on the sands of 15th street in Del Mar. The three diamonds represented past, present, and future, and I “thought” we had everything planned to perfection. Wanting to move in together as an engaged couple, we purchased a home together. Although there were many signposts along the way that we were not the best complement for one another, I was determined to make it work and Le Ann Womack’s song, "I Hope You Dance," continued to be my mantra. Deep down, I knew that I was to marry the Kaptain, but I was yet to learn how to dance...(in the rain). Creating doubt, I asked friends if they thought I was making the “right” decision in marrying someone who’s views were drastically different than mine, down to the importance of diet/working out. Can you say...”red flag?” I had been so used to my parents making decisions for me that I created anxiety more often than not. As I continued to talk myself into it, I would “think,” At least the Kaptain treats me well and wants to be a family man. My friends like us together, and I do love him, I do. Anytime I spoke to the Kaptain about my concerns, he allayed them immediately, and I created the illusion that he (not God) was my rock. I even asked my father for his thoughts. He told me that the decision was up to me, but his energy was far from encouraging. Dad was an Irish democrat, and the Kaptain’s far right mentality seemed to be his worst fear. My heart knew that dad didn’t like him for me, but that was pretty much the same story he had about anyone I was with. I just needed to take the plunge and go for it, thinking... I am not interested in politics, so who cares! Marriage is my ticket for freedom from my father. He will get to know my future husband’s loyalty and hopefully change. Plus, he must not mind THAT much because he and my mom “gifted” us with a substantial amount of money for our downpayment.
I did it again, receiving money that I “thought” this time would not have a condition because it was a wedding present. The Kaptain and I had planned on purchasing a smaller home, but my father liked the bigger model. Being practical minded, he offered to pay for half of the downpayment instead of paying for our wedding. My mind told myself the story that this time would be different, there would be no controlling hook. Plus, who wouldn’t want the Chaparral model? It was gorgeous. I was yet to learn my lesson, constantly badgering the Kaptain to show his appreciation to my father, so I wouldn’t have to hear about IT from my mother.
On June 7, 2003 we got married at The Thursday Club, overlooking the ocean. My bridesmaids walked down the aisle to “I Hope You Dance, and my father gave me away to my handsome and tearful husband-to-be. I cherished the ceremony and felt so hopeful. When I said, “I do,” I meant it. After the nuptials, we took pictures and greeted our guests. It was a misty day in Point Loma and "June gloom" was one of the many topics of the day. Besides us girl’s hair going flat or frizzy, the ocean was hiding behind the dense fog. One of my old pals from UCSB mentioned that the wedding reminded her of the novel, The Mists Of Avalon. I had never heard of the book, but I knew that there was something meaningful behind her sentiment.
About ten years later, I began reading Marianne Williamson’s novel, A Return To Love, and discovered the magical meaning of Avalon.
It read:
"Love is within us. It cannot be destroyed, but can only be hidden. The world we knew as children is still buried within our minds. I once read a delightful book called The Mists of Avalon. The mists of Avalon are a mythical allusion to the tales of King Arthur. Avalon is a magical island that is hidden behind huge impenetrable mists. Unless the mists part, there is no way to navigate your way to the island. But unless you believe the island is there, the mists won't part.
Avalon symbolizes a world beyond the world we see with our physical eyes. It represents a miraculous sense of things, the enchanted realm that we knew as children. Our childlike self is the deepest level of our being. It is who we really are and what is real doesn't go away. The truth doesn't stop being the truth just because we're not looking at it. Love merely becomes clouded over, or surrounded by mental mists.
Avalon is the world we knew when we were still connected to our softness, our innocence, our spirit. It's actually the same world we see now, but informed by love, interpreted gently, with hope and faith and a sense of wonder. It's easily retrieved, because perception is a choice. The mists part when we believe that Avalon is behind them.
And that's what a miracle is: a parting of the mists, a shift in perception, a return to love."
I was in quite a fearful haze on our wedding day with many trivial things, including my hair. Due to the fog, it felt stuck to my head, and I didn’t feel pretty...ENOUGH. In general, I had separated myself from my spirit, not seeing any other way to live because I was simply suffocating from fear. I had so much to learn, and the "parting of the mists" was nowhere in sight. In my fear thinking, there was no better way than to get married and start a family.
