SURRENDER- Alcohol

Do you “think” you need it?

    During my training with Cinnamon, I began to take on sadhanas. A sadhana is the discipline of a routine spiritual practice to help surrender to one’s ego. I cut my hair, I stopped wearing make-up, and I even tucked in my shirt for almost a year. These may sound easy to you, but for this vain, flowy clothed, free loving hippie wanna be? Harder than hell. Bit by bit, I began to experience the painful chains of vanity and how freeing myself from my deep seated unworthiness was necessary for liberation. When I was given a Sadhana to stop drinking alcohol, I “thought”...No Problem! Boy, was I in for a surprise... 

2013

      Depending on the meaning we give it, ALCOHOL is a word that can stir up A LOT of different feelings for people. Much like our son needs his blankie,  I have known deep down that I depended on alcohol.  But I confused myself because I knew that I could quit quite easily if I “wanted” to. “Want” is the key word. My excuses would continually revoke my heart’s knowing, Why give up doing something that can be so enjoyable? I don’t have a problem. After all, just one glass (or two) is no biggie. Plus, I have never been…”A drinker.” So, I didn’t. And I continued to sip on, or sometimes, chug the sweet nectar, until I accepted the sadhana to quit drinking.

     Forever? Yes. No. This did not matter. (I know, very hard for the mind to grasp). I am surrendered to love in the present moment, and I knew that it was timely for me to give up what I had been drinking since I was sixteen-years-old. We are NOT given anything more than we can manage, and it seemed to be an easy discipline…AT FIRST.

     Then why in the heck would quitting booze teach me anything? Well, after almost seven months of NOT drinking even a sip of liquor, I learned that I was still (even as an adult) addicted to fitting in with the crowd. I did not drink when I was pregnant, but quitting for my spiritual growth was WAY harder than for a precious baby. And quite a different experience.

     The hardest part was not going along to get along. I seemed to be the ONLY person who did not have a seemingly reasonable enough “excuse” to NOT have a glass of wine. I didn’t miss the alcohol, much. I missed the feeling of belonging.

     I have often been one to take on an over-sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings and comfort, and I received many different reactions when I chose to stop the social drink. Reactions I did not like. It is amazing how much the one who is drinking alcohol notices the one who is not. I always did. Why? Because I was not drinking with all my heart. I was drinking to fit in, take the edge off my triggers, and/or cope with my life’s issues. I was drinking because I NEEDED it.

    My final test was spending an entire weekend around alcohol with some people I did not know. One stranger said, “You are not drinking? Oh, how ‘Natural’ of you.” The minute my red horns went up, I settled into my heart and did not mind. I did it! I no longer needed to fit in. And I created happiness, regardless.

   When I returned home from the weekend, I went to my weekly teacher training class. Ironically (and not surprisingly) and without even telling my teacher about the details of my breakthrough weekend, Cinnamon casually relayed to me that my sadhana had been lifted. My spiritual lesson had been learned, and I was free. And...I could drink alcohol again. This time with awareness and from a non-addicted heart space. Or I could choose to not indulge. The difference is that I was at peace either way. 

     At this point, I am not drinking alcohol. I know that the power of love will guide me to decide what serves love. For love is the most powerful source to rely on. It NEVER betrays us. Ever.