SURRENDER- Sweater Girl

"Steel has to be melted down to be made strongest. Respect the tempering process."

April, 2011

     Last Friday night, I was invited to the 40th birthday party of an old friend whom I had not seen in years. No longer having much in common, I created nervousness and distracted myself by shopping for an outfit. I found a tie-dyed, long sleeve shirt dress at the Halcyon Store.  I accessorized it with grey knee-high tights and tall brown boots. To complete the look, I added my sleeveless, chunky, soft gold SWEATER that resembles my couch blanket. And that is how I NOW like to feel when I go out-warm and comfortable. 

     After getting ready, I looked in the mirror and felt 100%. And that was the last time I chose to feel that way...

     With a secret smirk on my face, I walked downstairs in my hippie-esque outfit, anticipating the “Wow, you look pretty,” compliment from my husband (just another reminder to let go of expectations). I told myself a story that it would be refreshing for the Kaptain to see me in any clothes besides my daily gym apparel or nightly mismatched pajamas.

     Entering the kitchen, I smiled and said that I was leaving. The Kaptain and Krew looked up from their Lego mission, and my husband’s face spoke a million words...

    “What?” I said. “Don’t you like my outfit!?!”

     Silence.

     “Hellooo...tell me the truth.” I continued with that oh-so-familiar irritation in my voice.

     “Uh...it’s kind of funky.” He replied.

     I shot back, “Well, I like funky.”

    And then he said the very words that I did NOT want to hear, yet just “perfect” for my spiritual growth.

     Well, it’s NOT hot and sexy!”

     OUCH! (We are sometimes a little too honest in our relationship and my own critiques of his clothing were coming back to haunt me).

     I chose to immediately buy into his assessment and became defensive. This is when I don’t meet my own models because I could choose to be enough, know who I am, and not be influenced by his opinion (and it is his opinion). One might say that it’s a good ol’ test to the self esteem.  

     Remembering back to our San Diego days where I walked around as his arm candy, I sarcastically replied... “What? You think I should wear some “titty-top” to the restaurant?” 

This is when our son could have easily said, “Mom, what’s a titty-top?” Thankfully, he “seemed” uninterested in our conversation and continued building his Lego car. 

     I continued to rant, “This is the new me, and I feel great. I love my outfit, and I really don’t care!”

 Or, did I?

     I drove off to the The Cliffs hotel and restaurant in Shell Beach feeling 90%. Cinnamon continually reminds me of the Second Pathway. “What ever percentage you are judging yourself is the percentage you are going to create suffering. So, a little poison is ok to drink, Kathleen? Remember, NO exceptions.”

     “I have liked to put a halo around what I call my small percentage of suffering. Especially, since a few years ago I was 30-50% suffering. I now know that pain is an inevitable part of life, and suffering is a choice. The up and the downside is that I have lowered my tolerance for suffering that even a thread of addiction will bring me down. 

     It was a gorgeous sunny day on the central coast, and I was getting warmer with each step I took into the bar-lounge overlooking the Pacific. I was everywhere but present when I saw my old cronies. The Universe has such an uncanny sense of humor because the first friend I saw was beautified in hot pink, tapered, animal print jeans with high heels to complete the “hot and sexy” look the Kaptain had mentioned earlier. There is is, I thought. I took a deep breath and observed my lesson...

     Am I enough despite what I’m wearing? Am I addicted to the image I portray and the good opinion of others? Or, am I feeling the pain of friendships going in different directions? Fearing that they won’t like the new me? 

     Yes to it all. 

    My now 85% serenity began spiraling down to 80%. I had some distraction, so that steered me away from my insecurities for awhile. Until, the birthday girl arrived dressed in a gold, shimmery...TITTY TOP! I am burning up by the minute, and my knitted drape has suddenly turned into a nun’s cloak. I chose to breathe in and feel what was going on with me, being aware of my insecurities. This time, I chose to NOT push them down by masking them with alcohol. Never had I joined a group of friends without at least ONE cocktail in my hand, but I knew that in order for me to create a life of freedom, I needed to go through the fire. A glass of Chardonnay was definitely enticing, especially since the other six girls were enjoying theirs. I can do this. Fortunately, God doesn’t give us more than we can manage because another Sweater Girl entered the bar to join us.

     So here I am, struggling for conversation, feeling hippie dump, and drinking water with NO chip or salsa in sight. Chewing ice had never been more pleasurable. I had never thought of myself as a drinker, but I definitely became aware how just that one alcoholic beverage (or  tortilla chip) could help take the edge off. I continued to observe my resistance to the spiritual process and chose to not judge myself. My mind battled back and forth...Lighten up, have a drink. Nahh..you can live with 25% misery. After all, it is only 25%. My mentors words continued to be in my heart...”No exceptions, no exceptions, no exceptions.” My addictions continued to bang into each other like bumper cars. It was almost comical, until we reached our second destination site, Giuseppe’s Italian Restaurant. Since our twenties, Giuseppe’s has been one of our favorite Pismo Beach stomping grounds with amazing Italian food and WINE. 

    The place is packed, and we all enter the BAR for a thirty-minute wait. “Water please,” is all I could squeak out of my bone dry mouth, sweating and swearing to myself that my husband was right. One could “think” that my lesson was to NOT wear a sweater on Friday night with girls, ever again. I wish it were that easy. Cinnamon calls this type of thinking, problem solving 101. It may temporarily help patch the challenge, but the trigger of insecurities will not cease until I am willing to move through the pain and love myself as God does. The sweater was a mere distraction, and my suffering was far deeper than what I was wearing. Looking for the quick fix is only a bandaid for the wounds of our childhood programming. Unlike the worldly type of “thinking,” these wounds do NOT heal with time. The only way to let go of our hurtful triggers of past pain it to go through it-NOT resist it. 

      I used to be a professional at bandaid placement. If I did not change my “not enough” stories, my traumas would eventually deepen, and I would need a cast, really soon. And then an amputation if I did not dig myself out of the black hole I had buried myself in for years. I had suffered enough and am now choosing to change my life. It has not always been an easy road, returning to my heart. Not many people understand it nor are interested in this type of journey. I wanted this heart game to be an “us” thing, and it is a journey one must take on their own.

     I created some decent conversation and even some laughs that night, but feeling unpopular for my new lifestyle was still there. It was my choice to create hell that night. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Why not just choose to love myself and them? Why not get out of their good or bad opinion, and welcome the opportunity to claim the Third Pathway and be ME. Although this was my intention (we can all have good intentions), but we all know what the road to hell is paved with.

     The following day, I reflected on the evening and experienced gratitude. Grateful that I chose to NOT sedate my pain and not judge myself for “feeling” the way I did.  I wrapped my arms around my body and gave myself a big hug, reminding myself that “feelings” change, and “knowings” we can stand on.

Written years later...

    Retrospectively, I needed to “feel” the pain, unconditionally, on the Friday night that I chose to wear my oversized sweater. The pain of needing approval for the person that I was becoming. We all desire validation, but we suffer when we are addicted to it, even if it is only 1%. Our minds create trouble where there is none. When we choose to live in our hearts, we will change our life experience. “The Light Of Love Is Always Stronger Than The Darkness Of Fear.” 

     I have resisted the Fourth Pathway and these types of changes, creating so much unnecessary suffering. I was also not trusting in the power of the heart, and the Fifth Pathway, placing a restrictive box around the situation and the people. I thought that they were either with me or against me. This is simply not true. When we relax into the “what is,” friends will come and go like the waves in the ocean. Sometimes returning, sometimes not. It is all a part of the the dance. The secret to happiness is to not be separate from them regardless of how they “feel” about you. No detachment, just love. 

     As doors are opening into a new life of bursting possibility, I am honoring every person in my  life and will not shut the old door. Always remembering and honoring the Sweater Girl. 

SURRENDER- Love Can Build A Bridge

“Stay away from the word 'boundary.' The minute you say it, it conjures up walls and resistance and separateness. You don’t need that. Use the other 'b' word instead. 'Bridge.'”

     I remember when Cinnamon first introduced me to the idea of creating a bridge rather than a boundary. It was one of those “What!?!?” and “Huh?” moments. After all, I thought boundaries were a good thing, protecting myself from the hurt and pain of someone’s misdeeds.

     In my very first Living Love class, I couldn’t wait to speak about how proud I was of my recent feat where I was limiting my time and energy with someone who simply didn’t get it! I told myself that I was “detaching with love.” Some of you folks may call these people “energy drainers.” They are so negative and “wrong” that we just don’t need to be around them. And we are so “right!” Right? No and yes.

     I remember speaking to Cinnamon about someone I did not want to associate with anymore. I told the class about how proud I was of myself because I chose to slow down my time with the vampire. I thought this was self love. I thought I was being generous of spirit because I was not going to be fake, anymore. I thought I was “right” because my feelings were confirmed and validated by therapists, friends and family. I thought. 

     My list describing these energy drainers went something like this: rude, self-righteous, holier than thou, judgmental, liars, inconsiderate, users, insensitive, selfish, moody and mean. I am over it! I continued to draw my line in the sand. Much like dieting and eating my LAST burger and fries. We all know how well that works! I was a pro at building my boundary brick-by-brick with my thoughts. Unfortunately, these kind of thoughts will keep us stuck. I was not creating peace with my thoughts, building a boundary was not the answer, being right was not worth it. I had so much more to learn. I could have run out of the class that night with my self-righteous tail between my legs. My intuition relayed for me to stay and... LISTEN (Oh, that’s a novel idea).

     Fortunately, I quickly learned about how I was the one who was choosing to be judgmental. I was not distinguishing who this person really was from who they were being. My addictions were triggered by this person’s actions, and I looked without rather than within. Cinnamon helped me see that I could create a bridge with these drainers instead of a boundary (although, she chose to call them “awakening beings,” instead). A bridge? What in the hell is that, and what’s the point? They are never going to change. 

     Boundaries help keep ourselves and others boxed in. They do not invite growth. Declaring a boundary between you and someone else only feeds the ego’s need to be “right.” When we create a parallel with our so-called enemy, we are in fact building a bridge, no longer minding what they did or did not do. Crossing that bridge would be the key to peace and oneness. Whether the other person is willing to receive our love or not is none of our business. We will experience freedom either way. This is the gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness was the gift I was NOT willing to give. Being “right” was too juicy to give up. Until… 

“If one does not forgive and heal, one will be forever chained to the experience and unable to know the joy of freedom, here and now. Since here and now is all we have, why would you want to attach yourself to a right/wrong mindset that can only bring suffering and further unhappiness?”   

Building a bridge requires letting go. We think that the other person needs to earn forgiveness, but the gift is really for ourselves.

“Unforgiveness is the poison you drink everyday hoping that the other person will die.” 

-Caroline Myss

     This may seem drastic, but it is so true. We are often experiencing toxic fear, calling it love. Why Not? They deserve it. Our mind is ever so convincing. This begs the question, what became of love in the name of love?

    We create boundaries because we have not forgiven ourselves for being someone’s victim and  having given them power over our peace. The lack of compassion for others connotes the lack of compassion for oneself. When we are willing to remember that everything in our life is FOR our spiritual growth, we begin to transform our lives.

    As I take a deep breath, I realize breath is life. I am committed to keep breathing.