SURRENDER- I Will Be A Parent

“What do you mean you can’t?”

2013

     Do you ever have one of those moments in your day (as a parent) where you just want to say, "F*** it?" Where you think... I can't do this, I am too overwhelmed, I am not up for this momentous task, and I just can't be a parent anymore. And then you look into your child's eyes and know that the four-letter-word, "can't," is no longer a part of your vocabulary? Well, I am having one of those moments RIGHT NOW! My head is pounding, and I have decided to take care of myself and NOT go to Cinnamon's Living Love class tonight. It is a decision I rarely make. But, stepping into my silk cheetah PJ's, popping four Ibuprofen, and drinking hot detox tea, was just what the doctor ordered. Writing is therapeutic for me, and in this vulnerable moment, I am willing to open myself genuinely. My hope is that I may help ease your suffering as I ease mine.

     As most of you know, my son has been one of my greatest teachers. He has taught me to listen to my heart. It may sound easy or even simple for you, but it hasn't been for me. I was taught to listen to the minds of my elders, teachers, pastors, and authority figures. Period. I was too fearful to not. While growing up, no one told me to listen to my own inner voice. In fact, I was discouraged from it. "Follow your heart? What? That is for dreamers who do nothing but sit around, smoke pot, and live in fantasy world." And then our son was born.

     Are you HERE Kathleen? It's Me, God.  

    Remember to trust in me. For I am here with you in your greatest and darkest hours. I will ALWAYS lead you where you need to be. Forever and always.

     Sounds great doesn't it? So, why do we (as humans) have to complicate it? We don't. We just think we have to. Sometimes, I don’t want to follow the whispers of my own divinity. That core instinct that often tells me what I do NOT want to hear. I subconsciously tell myself that "Ignorance is bliss" and proceed to make up excuses and more excuses. This is how I justify my unwillingness to change. I think I am overly sensitive and continue to listen to those who have no idea what our son is going through (even though they think they do). Since listening to my heart and trusting (more-often-than-not) the "so-called" coincidences of my life, my son is receiving help with his ears. EARS? You may be thinking, Is he deaf? No. Quite the opposite. He has Moderate Sensory Auditory Processing Disorder where he acutely hears EVERYTHING. No wonder he was screaming in the stroller and car as a baby. No wonder he was in uncontrollable rages as a toddler. In order to create comfort, he tunes-out words which is creating a learning disability. The Universe hand-delivered me the best audiologist in the nation (Judith Payton in San Mateo, Ca.) who specializes in helping these sensitive children. Our son is now starting auditory, language, and speech therapy. 

    Without going into too much detail ("Love gets lost in the details"), I want to impart an important lesson I have learned. Most people (family, teacher, and even doctors) looked at me for years like I was exaggerating while assuring, "He seems fine to me. He's so young, give him a break. I didn't notice anything.” At first, I so wanted to “believe” that nothing was going on, continuing to ignore what I knew to be true and listen to the critics. Until, I started to trust my heart and following my mommy’s instinct. We know our child better than anyone. We know what goes on behind closed doors. We know if our child is self-rejecting, angry, or struggling. Children (and many adults for that matter) have the uncanny ability to suck it up around others and then release their frustrations once mom and dad show up (lucky us). What goes on in privacy is what needs to be addressed instead of accepting the inauthentic and dualistic programs passed onto us from generation to generation. 

   It has been the hardest lesson to wake up to my fear based denials. To see the truth even when I  don’t want to. To welcome the opportunity to choose love and see that if it is here, I can manage it. To STOP resisting and say, “Yes.”  To breathe, relax, and honor the First Pathway.  To even say... “ Thank you.”

     God allowed me to have a whopper of a spiritual contract, and I am so grateful. With that being said...I'm back, baby! 

I not only can, I WILL be a parent!