Chaper 6, APPROACHING FORTY- An Aries Is Born

“Are You Breathing Yet?”

     Everyone comes as a messenger in our life, our children are no exception. The messages are sometimes subtle and sometimes (especially in my case) not so subtle. At a spiritual level, my son knew that I needed to wake up to Love, and he would be one of the ones to help me facilitate that change.

   On March 27, 2007 our baby boy was born. I was thirty-seven-years-old. Like the entire process, the long delivery was treacherous. He was a big baby, 9lbs 1 oz and 27 inches long with a head the size of a bowling ball. We almost had to have a C section to get him out but a last second episiotomy did the trick. Tanja and two other childhood friends were in the room with me, along with the Kaptain’s family AND my parents. A total of eight people plus me and our baby-to-be. They say it takes a village, and it did. Everyone came together and had their role. Up to this point, we did not know the gender. The Kaptain wanted a boy, my father wanted me to have a girl. I didn’t care. After everything I had gone through, I just wanted a healthy baby and for everyone to get along. 

      Love is born of fire and after 2.5 hours of pushing, our baby boy came out silent. Before putting him on my chest, the doctors immediately whisked him away to treat him for meconium on a table just a few feet away. Within seconds, our son began to cry and the sound was heavenly. Everyone, except for the Kaptain’s sister who stood by my side, got to be with our son before I did. I will always appreciate her for that. Rarely hearing what I want to hear from my parents, the day our son was born was right on schedule...

     I remember my dad’s first words...“Well, he’s his dad’s son.” 

     My mom added that he looked just like my husband’s dad and not much more.

      As much as I treasured everyone’s support for the 24 hour delivery, I was so content to be alone with my husband and our miracle baby. We received an unusually large room with two single beds and Krew's crib in between. I couldn’t wait to bond and sleep. Unfortunately, our newborn would not stop screaming. He was hungry and very unhappy. My milk hadn’t come in yet, and to my shock, the nurses went against standard protocol and fed him a bottle of formula. Fortunately, it didn’t stop him from later breastfeeding.

     When we got home, the Kaptain and I introduced him to his sister, Tavi Dog. She couldn’t have been more perfect and well behaved. All of our training worked! But this was a whole new journey, entering into the unknown and scary world of parenting. I was just beginning to learn how to take care of a puppy, never mind a human being. That year, I did everything that I once envied. I got myself into a mom’s group in Encinitas, joined Stroller Strides (an exercise routine with parents and babies), and commiserated with other mothers having a hard time. I continued to ask them, “Does your baby scream as much as mine?” Everywhere we went, Krew would scream. He hated strollers, car rides, and swings. Everything that people told me to do only aggravated him more. Being so grateful to even have our miracle baby, I created patience. He was meeting all his benchmarks and a great sleeper. Our pediatrician assured us by saying that he was fine and to not worry. I believed him. 

     While the Kaptain was away and working on the road, I would drive five hours north to visit my parents. Krew would scream most of the way while Tavi barfed all over the seat from carsickness. The only thing that made them both happy was when I stopped the car in some random parking lot to nurse midway through. As exhausting as the trip was, I knew that it would be worth it once we were in Arroyo Grande. This is the only time that I can remember that I loved going home to visit my parents. Krew became the focus, and my dad was mostly off my back. We would take his grandson to the beach and for many enjoyable walks along the Bob Jones Trail in Avila Beach. Because Krew enjoyed sleeping and snuggling in a Baby Bijorn strapped to my chest, I ditched the stroller. 

Then there were the walks with my father...

    At this point, I had quit my hygiene position in Encinitas and began missing my old boss. She was a dentist with an incredible passion for the magical aspects of the Universe and had my interest more than slightly perked. On one of our walks along the trail, I told my father how much I loved listening to her stories about awakening to the soul. He instantly warned me that she was NOT normal, and he appreciated the fact that I was. My heart immediately sunk to my stomach. All I wanted to say was, “No, I’m not, dad. I agree with her!” I did my best to argue his point on what is “normal,” but as usual, it fell flat. If his behavior was normal then I wanted nothing to do with it. 

     Despite my on and off relationship with my father, the Kaptain and I made the decision to move back home to the Central Coast. I didn’t know exactly why, and my heart knew that’s where we were supposed to be (precognition one might say). Krew was just one year old and I began to justify my instinct to the Kaptain who preferred San Diego over our small hometown. I told him that I wanted Krew to live by his grandparents and Tanja. I also knew that my parents were getting older and would need to be taken care of. My brother who lived in the bay area warned me that I may not want to live so close to my parents, I “thought” that we could handle it. After all, this time I had a husband and my dad would leave us alone. 

    I called the tenants to vacate my property, and we moved back into the house my parents had purchased for me on a street called... SAN DIEGO LOOP. I was coming back around (literally, from San Diego). But this time, I was determined to do it differently. Despite years of therapy, I was relentless about obtaining the family that I wanted. Despite my inner “red flag,” I chose not to listen. I continued to strive for the family Hollywood ending that I felt everyone deserved.  At this point, I did not know that what I wanted and what I needed for my spiritual growth were not in alignment.

THIRTIES-IVF/Pregnancy and Tavi Dog

“I’m going to explain to a man how you have twins and he’s going to understand me? He’s not going to understand me. He’s going to say, ‘Thank God I’m a man.’ And that’s the way it is and we have to get it. That’s the beauty of the difference between men and women. 

Happiness comes from honoring the differences.”

     Infertility can drum up a lot of fear if we allow it to. Grieving over the death of our puppy, Sugar Bear, helped me to realize that being a mom to anyone or anything is what I wanted. We began the lengthy and expensive process of In Vitro Fertilization at Reproductive Partners Fertility Center in La Jolla, Ca. Our significant donor or dad can never quite understand what it’s like to go through this emotional and arduous process. To get it all started, I had surgery to remove cysts from my uterus so that the embryo could implant properly. I then needed to pump myself with injections and God only knows what else (my memory is thankfully fading) to stimulate my ovaries. Then comes the egg retrieval, which I don’t even remember. I can recall that the Kaptain had a good old time, providing his fertile sperm. And just like that, Krew was made in a petri dish. I received the embryo transfer procedure, and we waited. 

      In the midst of all the IVF appointments, I continued to walk around like a zombie. I missed Sugar Bear so much and just wanted the pain to stop. Up to this point, I knew nothing about grief. I did read that it was important to grieve over the death of our animals before getting another one, but I didn't take the advice. While shopping with my bestie from Laguna, she encouraged me to go look at some puppies. Like most dog lovers, I fell in love with our soon-to-be Shih Poo. She was so cute, her tiny body was mostly white with racoon-like bandit coloring around her eyes. Unlike her rambunctious brother, she was mostly calm. She slowly sniffed my face, and I felt like she was picking me. Within moments, I called the Kaptain to see if I could bring her home. Fortunately, he had a few Margaritas in him and immediately said, “Yes.” We even called to purchase her brother a few days later, but he had already been sold. We named her Tavi after Taveuni (our honeymoon island in Fiji). From that moment on, I spent most of my hours training her, walking her, and being a mom. I have no doubt that creating utter joy and peace with my puppy was the perfect environment for my body to accept the embryo. When I received the call from the nurse, the Kaptain was working. Tavi Dog was the first to know that we were officially pregnant!

      From the moment everyone found out, the planning and festivities began. My bestie in Laguna and Tanja put on two separate baby showers, and I had never felt more special. My father was even excited, and I thought that the whole family was creating a new beginning. Differences (political and otherwise) were seeming to be set aside, and I felt like I could breathe again. Although I threw up almost everyday, I felt beautiful, loved, and mostly grateful for our miracle in the making. 

THIRTIES-In Loving Memory Of Grandma And Sugar Bear

“Life is constantly giving you clues that now is always the time to live your life.” 

     After my THIRD cancer scare, the Kaptain and I began talking about whether we wanted to have children or quit our jobs and travel the world. All I could “think” of is that my dad would kill me if I chose the later (an old thought pattern of mine that even therapy had a hard time breaking). The Kaptain and I decided to stop birth control and see what happens. We even made the “first time” without birth control as an event, planing to conceive in Catalina. Ha! Another, “We Plan, God Laughs,” thing. After a few months of “trying” without any results, we began to worry. We weren’t really timing my ovulation cycles, so we began to actively get the show on the road. This was when I began to know that I did want a baby. Many times, I have had to experience getting what I don’t want to know what I truly do want. At this point, everyone around us was having children. Being in a neighborhood amongst a sea of strollers, we felt like misfits. I automatically thought that the Kaptain’s sperm count must be low, not wanting to claim that it could possibly be...me. 

     With every menstrual cycle, I created the victimhood addiction to life being fair. Somewhere along the line, I created the illusion that I was entitled to get what I wanted and expected it. Later to learn that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” After a year or so, we began testing. This was also around the time that I wanted a dog. I was so needy to have an animal to love me, unconditionally. I babysat my bestie’s dog for two days, literally crying when I had to give him back. I was sick and tired of partying and just wanted a traditional family unit. I will never forget meeting Sugar Bear. She was a Coton De Tulear, costing us more than I’m willing to admit. The Kaptain and I fell in love with her and treated her like the princess that she was. This was the first time that I was really responsible without my parents having something to do with it. She was an opportunity for me to finally be a mother.

     The Kaptain and I went home for Christmas. My father did not want to be around my husband or his family, so he told me that he and my mom were going to go on a vacation over the holiday. I was devastated and embarrassed. What was I going to say to the Kaptain’s family? Let’s see...my father has issues with you and your conservative political views, so my parents will not be joining us for your annual Christmas dinner? AWKWARD. I blamed my father, thinking...What about our Christmas swim in the ocean? What about meeting our new puppy? Why can’t he just go along to get along and SUCK IT UP! Retrospectively, he was taking care of himself, but he was doing it from a place of self righteous judgement which never works. By this time, the Kaptain and I were becoming completely intolerant of my dad’s intolerance (mirror, mirror). Consequently, we put all of our attention onto Sugar Bear. 

    That Christmas was one of our best, and it was actually a relief for me to not have my father’s negative energy around. For many years, I had called him, “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas,” desiring to make my own memories with or without him. Instead of mourning our annual swim, I created excitement to introduce our new family member to my husband's side of the family, particularly to his grandma who was declining. I cared a lot for his Grandma. She accepted me into the family from day one, always giving me a huge smile when I came to visit. I remember playing the piano for her, rubbing her feet, and now for what would be her last Christmas was given the bonus to witness her having a playdate with our new puppy. Sugar Bear was the hit of the holiday. Mostly, she snuggled with his grandmother. I remember her squealing with delights as our little cotton ball of fluff licked the folds in her neck. 

    The following day, we drove home. Within seconds of arriving, our night went black. Our baby puppy tragically died. Up to this point, I had never felt grief. Even though we only had her for a week, the Kaptain and I felt paralyzed. The Kaptain even more so because due to her exuberance he tripped over her tiny body and it was a mortal accident. The next day, we received notice that I was INFERTILE. It "seemed" to me that I didn’t care. All I could think about was Sugar Bear, and in my way of seeing it...our first baby. I’m sure people who are enamored of their pets can relate. I had experienced my nurturing heart; and for the first time, it felt truly broken. The Kaptain and I cancelled our New Year’s plans and mourned in every way we knew how. Later that month, his Grandma died. 

     Although it was hard to see at the time, I know that Sugar Bear came to us as an angel for many reasons, some being to comfort a family changing form, to give the Kaptain’s grandma some extra light in her final days, and to lovingly ease our pain from the defeated thoughts of infertility. 

     Many of my greatest challenges have occurred within short periods of time. Grandma and Sugar Bear will forever be a part of my heart, and I’m grateful. Lessons fast and furious.