“What you resist persists because you are struggling and fighting against it. The only way to win is to relax and let it be what it is. It is like the tide. Fight it if you will, although if you lie down and let it wash over you, it is going to go back out. The only way to have control in your life is to be with life as it is. That’s when the wisdom shows up and you will know exactly what to do for yourself to endure. Being afraid of death is such a drain. The “what is” is that you’re going to die of something. You have a choice: resist the inevitable or die happy in surrender.”
I don’t know about you, but I have resisted death since the day I learned about its existence. As a teenager, I ignored the inevitable because I was too young to even think about such morbid thoughts. Dying was not something I was going to do any time soon, so why worry about it? Well, it is true that we should not worry about death or anything for that matter, but when we resist death, we resist life. At any age.
One could conclude that after living with cancer for more than twenty years, I would have started getting used to the idea of death and LIVE while I was still alive. To not worry about the good opinions of others or anything else for that matter. Man, I can be one stubborn head. Fortunately, I had met Cinnamon by my fourth eye cancer diagnosis, and she helped me see how I could choose to view death differently.
“You are going to die at some point anyway. Do you want to die in love?
Or, do you want to die in fear?
Every six months, I travel north to San Francisco to see my oncologist, also taking blood tests to assure that the melanoma has not metastasized to my liver. Most often, I would text a group of friends for some extra prayers while awaiting my fate for approximately four hours in the waiting room. My heart would pound, my legs would shake and breathing was not a part of my consciousness. I usually fixated on the salt water fish tank, doing my best to not stare at the others who were also awaiting their plight. The room was usually quiet.
“It looks stable, Kathleen.” The doctor would most often report. Exhaling, I would realize that I had been holding my breath for most of the day.
“Yahoo!” I would squeal to the Kaptain. My enthusiasm would often wane after just a few days. I would then push my fears down and live in denial for six months until my next appointment.
Recently, my husband and I walked into that same room that I had dreaded and hated for years. This time, I welcomed the opportunity and chose love, letting go of the addictive demand that the appointment go my way. No longer choosing to bargain with God, I asked my loved ones to pray for my peace, regardless of the outcome. This time, instead of holding my breath and freaking out in the waiting room, I looked at the aquarium in awe. How did I miss these colorful creatures? This time, I took deep breaths, reminding myself that everything was here FOR my spiritual growth. EVERYTHING. I continued to surrender, remembering that I was just a mere player in the game of life.
“It looks stable, Kathleen.” The doctor said.
Because of the different way that I approached this appointment, I experienced a completely different reaction. Instead of relief, I experienced gratitude. My reward for nonresistance was inner peace.
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