THE LAST CHAPTER- One Year Later

“The only real common sense comes from a free spirit.

The rest is simply justification for addiction.”

May 5, 2018

     My heart sister, Tanja, and I were speaking recently about our divorces. A common topic of conversation for us. We lived and breathed all the years of growing up together, and I am so grateful that we almost know every nuance in one another’s lives. 

     As she plopped herself down on the white couch, she said, “You know what I always tell people, Francesca? That my life was sooo much easier when I was married.” She then opened her eyes wider, raised her hands, and began to give me the countdown with her fingers...”I had plenty of money, a beautiful ocean view home, and didn’t have to work. I seemingly had it all. But you know what, Francesca?”

     What? I said. Even though I had a pretty good idea of what she going to say next.

     “It’s so much better, now!” Let me repeat...”IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!” 

     Ditto, sister. DITTO!

     The day that the Kaptain and I first decided to get a divorce, I really didn’t think that my life would be THAT different. I had been single before (for a few “minutes”), and I really “thought” that I had it all figured out. Uh...What land did I live in? If I had been given a crystal ball, and it conveyed to me what my following four years would look like, I may have clung to the Kaptain like my last breath of fresh air. Thank God that wasn’t the case. 

     Let me see as I give you my list from 2014-2018...A new rental by the lake and name, full time hygienist, going back to school, falling for and breaking up with two women, liver cancer, saying good-bye to my parents and childhood friends, hiring a lawyer, moving home, major income adjustment, single mom, a radically different diet, gray hair, and an ex who didn’t want the familial closeness that I had once hoped for. I hurt myself so much with the last one. Sure, the Kaptain and I have periodic family outings and he “trying” to work with me as a united front with our son, but I really “thought” that he would be a bigger part of my life. That we would meet partners and spend the holidays together. That we would grow even closer, not farther a part. It seems the more that we are a part, the more different we have become. He has become so radical in his Republican conservatism that I often don’t recognize him anymore. Many people (including my ex), may think, “Get in the real world. What did she expect? It’s a divorce!” My answer is love. When you love someone, it doesn’t stop because you change form. I have come to experience that it can even grow stronger, deeper, limitless. I am glad to know that as up and down as we have been, I truly love him and that’s more than enough. I wish I could write this story with a fairytale ending, and alas, it is what it is. 

     It has been one year since the doctor took 60% of my liver. Just recently, the specialist told me that there is a suspicious lesion that he wants to watch on the other side of my liver. Yes, my friends, I am not out of the cancer woods, yet. Will I ever be? I have lived with it for most of my life. Once an enemy, now becoming a friend. It reminds me to surrender and trust that there are no good addictions, even to living. 

     For now, I am doing everything possible to heal my life and choose me. The more I accept the God in me, the more I have the love to give others. In a time where one might think that I am stressed to the max, I am enjoying the world and actually BETTER than I have ever been. My life could “seem” unfair at times, and I may not have everything I once dreamed of, but I know my purpose. To love and allow myself to be loved.