THE LAST CHAPTER- Arrested Development

“Sometimes the greatest gift Love gives is to crack the shell.” 

-Cybele (Love Song)

March 8, 2018

     When I was sixteen, I had my first experience with alcohol. Two wine coolers with my childhood bestie and her cousin in some random field. I remember making the conscious decision to pound them down. A choice that changed the course of my life. I was done figuring out my own identity and being treated like my father's obsessive possession. I hated not knowing who I was, still "feeling" like a kid with the body of a woman. Alcohol and every other worldly self absorbed distraction (shopping, dieting, decorating, analyzing, partying, gossiping) "seemed" to be my answer. I did this for a very long time.

     As my friends and I drank, I remember justifying, "When I am an adult, I won't do this. This is what teenagers do."  We took off for the High School dance, and I had never "felt" more happy. I FINALLY didn't give a damn. 

     Throughout my 20's, 30's, and early 40's, I continued with the pattern of my teenage years. I would drink those first two drinks to ease the relentless edge of my "not enough" mind chatter. I hung out with partiers and lied to myself that I wasn't one of them. After all, I would only have three and THEY would get wasted. Oh man, how I could dilute and defend my actions like a lawyer. I have never considered myself an alcoholic, AND...I was definitely addicted to anything that would keep me from the excruciating pain of my...arrested development. Including my romantic interest in Cara and the mystery that still unfolds...

     To shortly recap, I met Cara on the First Blood Moon of FOUR, prophesying, CHANGE. At the time, I had no idea about what the tetrad represented, nor did I care. I was living in some altered state of consciousness with NO alcohol. I have come to know that I was experiencing what is said to be a "Kundalini Awakening."  

"The point of this awakening is the true beginning of the journey back to God. It is the surrender of the ego self to the divine. It awakes the dormant energy within. The point where the drop of water is rejoining the ocean of oneness."

     I was living heaven on earth, and never wanted it to end. I told myself that she was my answer to a void that I had never completely filled. My missing puzzle piece that I had felt since childhood. My fear told me that I could never obtain that "feeling" again without her presence, catapulting me into many dark days and nights. What a powerless place to be, especially when your soul connection is confused as hell and runs back to the familiar. Until, she didn't.

     Although I was forty-four and she was twenty-nine, we were still...girls. Something beyond magical occurred after our "chance" meeting four years ago. We grew up. You see, Cinnamon (my mama) became her CinnaMAMA, too. In the last FOUR years, she has raised us both (separately) to be who we really are: Love.

     Cara and I were and are so different. Different age, different personality, different upbringing; and yet, like the children's fable, "Stellaluna," very much alike.

"Stellaluna is a female megabat separated from her mother bat and taken in by a family of birds where she must put aside her "bat habits" to fit in with her new family. But one fateful flight, when she is separated from her adoptive siblings, Stellaluna is reunited with her bat family and learns that even though we're different, we are very much the same."

     On March 8, 2018, I woke up at 4 AM with a voice from within that said, "I AM A WOMAN." In that moment, I knew that love is not about what I want. It is about what serves the whole, which always includes me. Love knows far better than what my limited mind can reach. She is real and present and dwells from within. A divine dance when I choose to rejoice in her brave wisdom. 

    I fell back to sleep only to wake up to a post on Facebook...

   "Happy International Woman's Day!"

    I had NO idea.

    For the first time in my life, I actually created excitement about celebrating the true meaning of this day. I could relate.

    In a world of others experiencing arrested development, distracting ourselves with anything and everything, we could create the wisdom to see that although we "feel" different, we are very much the same. In a world of me, myself, and I separation, we could experience oneness.

    As tears fall down my face, I am grateful. Thank you all for reading my heart. Love gets lost in the details of our personalities. For I am you and you are me, mirrors of spirit having a human experience. If you still "feel" like a scared kid inside, please remember that you are never alone, and I get you. 

"The Light Of Love Is Always Stronger Than The Darkness Of Fear."

     As this chapter of my life comes to a close, I continue to remain open for magic and miracles. In order to be a woman or a man, we never have to let go of our youthful spirits. It is that part of us where fairy dust is real, and hope is unnecessary. For we know that all we have to do is ROAR...