APPROACHING FORTY-Al Anon

“God sent us all here into the game we call life with a little magic potion for joyful living and said, ‘Drink it as soon as you get there,’ and we get so busy in the delivery room that we forget. As we get older and begin to experience unhappiness, we remember. ‘Wait a minute. I came with a magic potion. Now where did I put it?'”

     Once settled in my hometown, I began to notice that I still felt like something was not quite right, and I “should” be happier. I missed my old boss who had started me on this journey of looking at my hardships as gifts, and I did not have one friend who was interested in this way of viewing the mysteries of life. I was done with therapy and attending church was no longer appealing to me. It was only a matter of a month or two that a “friend” recommended I go to Al Anon, a twelve step program for families of alcoholics. I told myself that I really wasn’t dealing with a drinker, but my dad’s father was an alcoholic, so that applied. Without saying much more, she assured me that I could definitely benefit. Immediately, I learned that my father was my “qualifier,” and his controlling tactics/gambling “dis-ease” had tremendously affected my life. I quickly learned that I was also a bonafide control freak. I had spent most of my young adult life checking boxes off my bucket list in order to appease my brain noise; but with each check mark, my happiness tank did not fill as expected. Being willing to take responsibility for my reactions was not easy, and at the same time, felt incredibly powerful. There was actually something I could do besides being the proverbial victim. 

     As I began to attend Al Anon meetings, I created so much enthusiasm for what I was learning about myself. And like a typical newbie, I didn’t keep the focus on me. I started to notice how most of my friends could use the twelve steps, too. I “thought” they would want to come along, and created addiction for them to do just that. In fact, I wanted the whole world to wake up and use the tenets of the group: 

1. When we finger point, three fingers will point back. 
2. Keep our eyes on ourselves-NOT on our qualifier.
3. Expectations are premeditated resentments.

Rarely skipping a meeting, I began to create a huge relief with all my new found tidbits of wisdom. Within the first month, I got myself a sponsor and digested every word. It was 2009.

     Shortly after meeting my sponsor, I drove to her home in Avila Beach for one of our first private meetings. Her name was Jayne. She sat on a chair opposite of mine with a round coffee table in between us. It had some plastic cups on it with a small bowl of hard candies. Once settled, she began a demonstration to explain the spiritual work necessary that sometimes words cannot sufficiently describe. She began to stack the multicolored cups, referencing the first one as my child/innocent self. As she continued to add one cup on top of the other, she said that these were the walls that I had created for protection. She called these walls, “the ego.” The cups stood high and my mind flashed back to the Leaning Tower of Pisa-reminding me of my one-year-anniversary trip to Italy with the Kaptain.

     After the last cup was stacked, Jayne looked up at me and said, "You know what we are here to do, Kathleen?" 

    "What?" I replied with thirsty curiosity. 

     She then slowly started to take one cup off at a time. "We are here to go back to the child you once knew."