“Are you willing to welcome life’s moment-to-moment opportunities, even if they are painful? Choose love and you will learn the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is an unavoidable part of life. Suffering is a choice.”
When I was first diagnosed with eye cancer, I said to my father, "It's ok dad, I have had a great life. Plus, many people don’t even make it this far." I was twenty-four-years-old. I inherently knew that I wasn't in for an easy life, and I had no idea that we have the ability to align with our divine self. Deep down, I knew that I had more time before my final departure from earth school and every challenge is just an opportunity from which to grow in consciousness, to fully trust and surrender to the "what is.” I have often created a tug-a-war with accepting the “what is” in my life. Mainly, because I was programmed to believe my fearful mind chatter. I made myself afraid of following my heart, making my journey more difficult. I continued to paralyze myself with fear, fear, and more fear, unwilling to take a leap of faith and follow that inner voice that we all possess. The voice that we at times fight so hard to ignore. Sometimes I have been willing to hear it loud and clear like church bells on a Sunday morning. Other times, I have turned the volume down so low that I have easily ignored it with a piece of chocolate cake or a glass of wine. The key is to trust love where it seems NOT to be, looking for the spiritual purpose within everything, despite it all. Everything is an opportunity to welcome and say, “Thank you.”
I know...I can now hear you saying, “Yeah, but... How do you know this?” Because I had a “BUT” for almost everything that did not meet my models. I was totally unwilling to get my butt out of Love’s way and let the divine do its' magic. On my fortieth birthday, I was presented with the opportunity to do just that.
With the help of my sponsor and Al Anon meetings, I was finally creating a sense of peace and looking forward to the middle mark. My fortieth birthday landed on a Saturday. Perfect day to have a party, I thought, and it wasn't quite what I expected. Right when I thought I was getting a handle on life through the twelve step program, another one of life’s major opportunities arrived. At first, everything was going perfectly MY way. Tanja hosted the party at her home and my bestie drove up from Laguna, hiring her brother to take professional pictures. My favorite photograph was with my arms up in surrender, taken shortly prior to my world going black...
On the dance floor of Tanja’s living room, life showed up. In one moment, I was laughing, dancing, and whooping it up; and the next, blinking my eyes in horror. The left side of the room went dark. I could no longer see. I ran to the guest bedroom and cried. I remember the terror of my thoughts that the cancer was back.
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