“Life is constantly giving you clues that now is always the time to live your life.”
After my THIRD cancer scare, the Kaptain and I began talking about whether we wanted to have children or quit our jobs and travel the world. All I could “think” of is that my dad would kill me if I chose the later (an old thought pattern of mine that even therapy had a hard time breaking). The Kaptain and I decided to stop birth control and see what happens. We even made the “first time” without birth control as an event, planing to conceive in Catalina. Ha! Another, “We Plan, God Laughs,” thing. After a few months of “trying” without any results, we began to worry. We weren’t really timing my ovulation cycles, so we began to actively get the show on the road. This was when I began to know that I did want a baby. Many times, I have had to experience getting what I don’t want to know what I truly do want. At this point, everyone around us was having children. Being in a neighborhood amongst a sea of strollers, we felt like misfits. I automatically thought that the Kaptain’s sperm count must be low, not wanting to claim that it could possibly be...me.
With every menstrual cycle, I created the victimhood addiction to life being fair. Somewhere along the line, I created the illusion that I was entitled to get what I wanted and expected it. Later to learn that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” After a year or so, we began testing. This was also around the time that I wanted a dog. I was so needy to have an animal to love me, unconditionally. I babysat my bestie’s dog for two days, literally crying when I had to give him back. I was sick and tired of partying and just wanted a traditional family unit. I will never forget meeting Sugar Bear. She was a Coton De Tulear, costing us more than I’m willing to admit. The Kaptain and I fell in love with her and treated her like the princess that she was. This was the first time that I was really responsible without my parents having something to do with it. She was an opportunity for me to finally be a mother.
The Kaptain and I went home for Christmas. My father did not want to be around my husband or his family, so he told me that he and my mom were going to go on a vacation over the holiday. I was devastated and embarrassed. What was I going to say to the Kaptain’s family? Let’s see...my father has issues with you and your conservative political views, so my parents will not be joining us for your annual Christmas dinner? AWKWARD. I blamed my father, thinking...What about our Christmas swim in the ocean? What about meeting our new puppy? Why can’t he just go along to get along and SUCK IT UP! Retrospectively, he was taking care of himself, but he was doing it from a place of self righteous judgement which never works. By this time, the Kaptain and I were becoming completely intolerant of my dad’s intolerance (mirror, mirror). Consequently, we put all of our attention onto Sugar Bear.
That Christmas was one of our best, and it was actually a relief for me to not have my father’s negative energy around. For many years, I had called him, “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas,” desiring to make my own memories with or without him. Instead of mourning our annual swim, I created excitement to introduce our new family member to my husband's side of the family, particularly to his grandma who was declining. I cared a lot for his Grandma. She accepted me into the family from day one, always giving me a huge smile when I came to visit. I remember playing the piano for her, rubbing her feet, and now for what would be her last Christmas was given the bonus to witness her having a playdate with our new puppy. Sugar Bear was the hit of the holiday. Mostly, she snuggled with his grandmother. I remember her squealing with delights as our little cotton ball of fluff licked the folds in her neck.
The following day, we drove home. Within seconds of arriving, our night went black. Our baby puppy tragically died. Up to this point, I had never felt grief. Even though we only had her for a week, the Kaptain and I felt paralyzed. The Kaptain even more so because due to her exuberance he tripped over her tiny body and it was a mortal accident. The next day, we received notice that I was INFERTILE. It "seemed" to me that I didn’t care. All I could think about was Sugar Bear, and in my way of seeing it...our first baby. I’m sure people who are enamored of their pets can relate. I had experienced my nurturing heart; and for the first time, it felt truly broken. The Kaptain and I cancelled our New Year’s plans and mourned in every way we knew how. Later that month, his Grandma died.
Although it was hard to see at the time, I know that Sugar Bear came to us as an angel for many reasons, some being to comfort a family changing form, to give the Kaptain’s grandma some extra light in her final days, and to lovingly ease our pain from the defeated thoughts of infertility.
Many of my greatest challenges have occurred within short periods of time. Grandma and Sugar Bear will forever be a part of my heart, and I’m grateful. Lessons fast and furious.
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