The Fourth Blood Moon
One can only imagine how excited I would be for the fourth and final blood moon. By the time I graduated from beauty school, Cara took Cinnamon (fully) on as her spiritual mentor. I remember us incessantly texting between each facial as I continually encouraged her by saying, “Cinnamon is the "real deal. If I were you, I would call her while she’s still here because I know that she is not going to live for much longer.” Cara replied, “You can be such a drama queen.” My blood boiled the minute she said it, addicted for her to realize that Cinn and I are her soul family and to stop taking so much damn time. I remember feeling hopeless, knowing that she would need to claim the connection for herself. Would she ever? Although there were times I “tried” to convey my truth, clearly seeing that someone is a part of your soul needs to come from within. Just like when I first met Cinnamama, I instantly knew that my mama and I were joined by something far deeper than blood. So with each text, phone call, and intimate conversation, I felt that Cara and I would eventually be together in some form. She was pregnant and basically alone. The baby's daddy was barely cooperating, and it "seemed" like this could be our second chance. BUT, I was still choosing to be addicted to the romance. After all, the signs and serendipities continued, especially when I remembered THE DRESS I had purchased in San Pedro Town, Belize at a store called, “Rubimoon.”
About three years prior, the Kaptain and I had gone to Ambergris Caye to renew our wedding vows, and I was strangely adamant about purchasing a hand designed little girl’s dress with no one to give it to. He and I even had an argument about it in the store. It all finally made sense. I was to give it to Cara’s girl, who was to be born just prior to the... FOURTH Rubi Moon. It would take some time for her to grow into it, but who cares? I was beyond excited, telling Cara about the outfit and asking her if I could nickname the baby “Rubimoon.” She said that she would think about it. After a day, she coldly said, “No.” I hurt my feelings so badly. Retrospectively, I know that she was sensing my romance addiction and didn’t trust me. Our “friendship” was no longer working. I conveyed my feelings and told her that I wanted to be authentic and needed a break.
Just weeks prior to the Fourth Blood Moon, in the month of September, her baby girl was born. In the middle of the night, she sent me a picture. I gasped, grateful that she even bothered to send me one. As I stared at Cara holding her firstborn, I broke down and sobbed.
On September 28th, the Fourth Blood Moon came and went. No communication, no sparklers, no perfect Hollywood ending. Nothing. It was then that everything I "thought" I knew went to shit. I called different hospitals, asking if any baby was born on the night of the blood moon, wanting to send the outfit as a surprise for the newborn and her parents. NOT one girl was born on that night, so I gave Cinnamon the crocheted purple dress and asked her to do with it what she would. I could no longer look at it without crying. I then deleted all the love poems, letters, most pictures, and every trace of evidence that Cara, our mysterious bond, or the Four Blood Moons ever existed in my life. I had finally suffered enough, and was willing to move on. This time, for real (I promise).
There was one challenge though. Unlike other romantic relationships in my past, my heart told me that I was to do it differently this time. This time, I was to love, unconditionally. Forgetting that the spiritual effects of the tetrad work AFTER the eclipse, we spoke. I told her that I had let go of the romance addiction, and I truly wanted to be friends. Her voice was relieved and so happy. We then decided to see each other on FaceTime, making a date to talk on the night before Halloween. This would be the first time we would see each other since she left California.
When the phone rang, I would be a liar to say that I wasn't nervous. I took a deep breath and answered. Expecting to see her eye to eye, she put her baby on the camera, instead. I didn't mind. If I could have jumped through the phone, I would have. Instantly connected, I began to sing the baby an old Irish song that my dad used to sing to me. It was then that I asked Cara to sing a song. To my shock, she chose "Dream A Little Dream Of Me," the same song that came through the speakers of her phone on Easter Sunday, 2014. The day that we thought we were going to be together, forever.
I moved through. And then...our eyes locked.
And you know what? I absolutely claimed the connection, AND I was no longer addicted. I had nothing but love in my heart, and happiness for she, her newborn, and the life that she said she wanted. I felt so high and free.
We hung up, and I did a little jig down my hallway. I was so joyful to be connected to my soul's companion with or without her validation. I had put romance in the backseat and was committed to the joy of loving.
On Halloween, Cara and I FaceTimed, again. After we hung up from a rather short conversation, I was more than excited on how I was willing to transform what I wanted into something just as beautiful. With a smile on my face, I took a shower and started to get ready. Tanja and I were dressing up as cats, and I was looking forward to going OUT!
The phone rings.
It's Cara, again, on FaceTime.
"Well, hello there. You caught me in my robe, what's up?" I said.
She looked scared, like she had seen a snake.
I don't remember her exact words, but it went something like this...
"Well, that figures." I said. "I let go, and you wake up."
She smiled, "Yeah...that's the way it works." I honored her request, and we hung up. I was just so thrilled. I was FINALLY validated AND no longer addicted. I put on my cat's tail and called my sister.
"Tanja, are you ready for this one? I’ve become a diplomat. I got kicked to the curb, and I'm willing to enjoy the trip..."
“Are you willing to get out of your mind, to let go of the details of why you are right? Are you willing to surrender your story, to stop making it more important than oneness, forgiveness, and love?”
One can only imagine how excited I would be for the fourth and final blood moon. By the time I graduated from beauty school, Cara took Cinnamon (fully) on as her spiritual mentor. I remember us incessantly texting between each facial as I continually encouraged her by saying, “Cinnamon is the "real deal. If I were you, I would call her while she’s still here because I know that she is not going to live for much longer.” Cara replied, “You can be such a drama queen.” My blood boiled the minute she said it, addicted for her to realize that Cinn and I are her soul family and to stop taking so much damn time. I remember feeling hopeless, knowing that she would need to claim the connection for herself. Would she ever? Although there were times I “tried” to convey my truth, clearly seeing that someone is a part of your soul needs to come from within. Just like when I first met Cinnamama, I instantly knew that my mama and I were joined by something far deeper than blood. So with each text, phone call, and intimate conversation, I felt that Cara and I would eventually be together in some form. She was pregnant and basically alone. The baby's daddy was barely cooperating, and it "seemed" like this could be our second chance. BUT, I was still choosing to be addicted to the romance. After all, the signs and serendipities continued, especially when I remembered THE DRESS I had purchased in San Pedro Town, Belize at a store called, “Rubimoon.”
About three years prior, the Kaptain and I had gone to Ambergris Caye to renew our wedding vows, and I was strangely adamant about purchasing a hand designed little girl’s dress with no one to give it to. He and I even had an argument about it in the store. It all finally made sense. I was to give it to Cara’s girl, who was to be born just prior to the... FOURTH Rubi Moon. It would take some time for her to grow into it, but who cares? I was beyond excited, telling Cara about the outfit and asking her if I could nickname the baby “Rubimoon.” She said that she would think about it. After a day, she coldly said, “No.” I hurt my feelings so badly. Retrospectively, I know that she was sensing my romance addiction and didn’t trust me. Our “friendship” was no longer working. I conveyed my feelings and told her that I wanted to be authentic and needed a break.
Just weeks prior to the Fourth Blood Moon, in the month of September, her baby girl was born. In the middle of the night, she sent me a picture. I gasped, grateful that she even bothered to send me one. As I stared at Cara holding her firstborn, I broke down and sobbed.
The Fourth Blood Moon- 2015
On September 28th, the Fourth Blood Moon came and went. No communication, no sparklers, no perfect Hollywood ending. Nothing. It was then that everything I "thought" I knew went to shit. I called different hospitals, asking if any baby was born on the night of the blood moon, wanting to send the outfit as a surprise for the newborn and her parents. NOT one girl was born on that night, so I gave Cinnamon the crocheted purple dress and asked her to do with it what she would. I could no longer look at it without crying. I then deleted all the love poems, letters, most pictures, and every trace of evidence that Cara, our mysterious bond, or the Four Blood Moons ever existed in my life. I had finally suffered enough, and was willing to move on. This time, for real (I promise).
There was one challenge though. Unlike other romantic relationships in my past, my heart told me that I was to do it differently this time. This time, I was to love, unconditionally. Forgetting that the spiritual effects of the tetrad work AFTER the eclipse, we spoke. I told her that I had let go of the romance addiction, and I truly wanted to be friends. Her voice was relieved and so happy. We then decided to see each other on FaceTime, making a date to talk on the night before Halloween. This would be the first time we would see each other since she left California.
When the phone rang, I would be a liar to say that I wasn't nervous. I took a deep breath and answered. Expecting to see her eye to eye, she put her baby on the camera, instead. I didn't mind. If I could have jumped through the phone, I would have. Instantly connected, I began to sing the baby an old Irish song that my dad used to sing to me. It was then that I asked Cara to sing a song. To my shock, she chose "Dream A Little Dream Of Me," the same song that came through the speakers of her phone on Easter Sunday, 2014. The day that we thought we were going to be together, forever.
Breathe, Francesca, BREATHE.
I moved through. And then...our eyes locked.
And you know what? I absolutely claimed the connection, AND I was no longer addicted. I had nothing but love in my heart, and happiness for she, her newborn, and the life that she said she wanted. I felt so high and free.
We hung up, and I did a little jig down my hallway. I was so joyful to be connected to my soul's companion with or without her validation. I had put romance in the backseat and was committed to the joy of loving.
The Fourth Blood Moon- She Remembers
“You want a trustworthy relationship?
Then you’ve got to put all your trust into it.
All of it?
100%!!”
October 31, 2015
On Halloween, Cara and I FaceTimed, again. After we hung up from a rather short conversation, I was more than excited on how I was willing to transform what I wanted into something just as beautiful. With a smile on my face, I took a shower and started to get ready. Tanja and I were dressing up as cats, and I was looking forward to going OUT!
The phone rings.
It's Cara, again, on FaceTime.
"Well, hello there. You caught me in my robe, what's up?" I said.
She looked scared, like she had seen a snake.
I don't remember her exact words, but it went something like this...
"After our talk, I need to tell you something, “ she said with a serious tone.
She continued, "I have romantic feelings for you, again, but I don't want to act on them, so please don't say anything to "try" to convince me. If that changes, I will contact you."
My mouth dropped. I KNEW IT! This whole time, I knew that we just needed to see each other again, and she would remember our soul's bond.
"Well, that figures." I said. "I let go, and you wake up."
She smiled, "Yeah...that's the way it works." I honored her request, and we hung up. I was just so thrilled. I was FINALLY validated AND no longer addicted. I put on my cat's tail and called my sister.
"Tanja, are you ready for this one? I’ve become a diplomat. I got kicked to the curb, and I'm willing to enjoy the trip..."
The Following Month...
Well, you may have guessed it, we created a second chance at starting a family together, again. A few weeks after her heart's disclosure on Halloween night, she asked me if I would be with her. I wish I could have said, "YES," but my heart knew better. I heard homophobia in her voice, and I had learned my lesson. Cara became tearful and understood.
A few weeks later...
Even though I knew that she was creating phobia, I succumbed to my fear of losing her. We made the decision (again) that she would tell the baby's (mostly uninvolved) father about me and move to California. We would finally be together. Cara and I had one night together on the phone, just listening to each other breathe was enough. The following morning, she tearfully broke it off.
In looking back, I can clearly see that she wanted to want to be together, but her fears were debilitating. The painful truth is, I wasn't worth the challenge. With compassion, I can also see that I was still naive to my fears as well, and the extraordinary amounts of discipline it would have taken for us to peacefully exist together in the chaos of our two (very different) worlds.
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