THE LAST CHAPTER- Grief

“Grief is like bath water. When you first get in, it is really hot. When you relax and sit with it, it becomes a comfort and a cleansing. When it cools down, it’s time to get out.”  

August 3, 2018

    Cinnamon would often say, “If I had a tombstone it would read, ‘She Laughed, She Cried, She Died.’” Although she was choosing to be cremated, it was her way to help people be joyful about her return. It will only be a matter of time before Cinnamon’s body gives out. She’s in excruciating pain from the balls of her feet to the arthritic hooks in her neck. She is losing a lot weight, going blind, and no longer sleeping (not that she ever really did sleep much). How is THAT possible, God? For a person to function in the way that she has for all these years with such minimal sleep? My answer is always the same...

“The Light Of Love Is ALWAYS Stronger Than The Darkness Of Fear.” 

   Cinnamon’s loved ones have been coming in droves to see her. Both blood family and extended family of her heart. People whom she has unconditionally served for years. Former students have even flown in to see her, knowing that she can only give them an hour or less of her precious time. And it is precious. Every second that I get to speak with her, I cherish. In fact, I created that experience from day one and have truly never left her side. A soul connection too deep for description. Although I had a biological mom, I was always looking for a another mother. In my humble opinion, no one can ever have too many moms. I went through three possible adoptive moms before I met Cinnamama. As each one didn’t work out, I had lost all hope. 

    I not only received the best mama that I could have ever dreamed of, I met my mentor and best friend. When we first met, she knew me more than I knew myself. But when she would speak, my heart would sing. I had never felt more validated and understood. It was as if she had opened me up and saw every little nuance of my heart and ego. I made myself feel like the most loved person in the world for “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” I wasn’t the only one. She has blessed many others with her uncanny ability to connect with the divine, teaching me that there is no limit to how many people we can truly love.  

   I don’t know how much longer I have with my mama. I call her every morning from 6:15- 7:00. 

     “MORGANINO!” She says.

      “Morganino, Cinnamonino,” I reply. “How are you feeling? Did you sleep at all?" 

     Without an ounce of feeling sorry for herself, she still manages to bring up her Italian charm, lovingly giving me the what for...

     “Let’s bypass the ‘how are you’ question, Francesca. We know the answer...blah, blah...same story, another day.” 

     As I write this, here comes the grief. It’s so painful. I have a hard time wanting to let it out. It feels that if I start, I will never stop. The opposite is true, I must feel the grief in order to move through it. And I know that I am moving toward the beginning of something I have NEVER experienced. Up to this point in my life, no one to whom I have been really close has died. 

“It is important to feel grief and to feel it fully.

If you stop short of feeling it fully,

you’ll be stuck.” 

    Cinnamon has taught me a lot about grief. I have watched her mourn over others who have passed, and she has been true to her quotes throughout this blog. Who knew that she was going to teach me about how to grieve her own impending death...

     “It’s just a matter of being with the grief, Francesca. And patiently waiting for it to cool down. There is no such thing as death in the terms of the way people feel about it. There is just a newness of life. There is the walking dead and people are just not happy, and when you are not happy, you are not fully alive. I hope I am never as dead as some people, walking dead in the grocery stores. The beauty of death is that it can remind you of all the joy you have lived with your loved ones, and that death is a newness of life. You simply come into love for the sake of loving, and at a certain point in your contract with the game of life, you simply return to love.” 

     As she moves towards the light fearlessly, I couldn’t be more in awe of her courageous magnificence. She is being everything I have known her to be, an angel on earth.