"When you accept life on its terms, you step through the pain barrier and know peace."
She came into my life as fast as she left, catapulting me into what some may call, “Dark Night Of The Soul.” A journey where I told myself that I wanted to die. I felt dead, nothing mattered. Life no longer had meaning. The excruciating pain I felt was the suffering I had suppressed for most of my life. I was finally unwilling to trick myself into thinking that everything was great and live an unconscious robotic existence.
My life was not what I thought it would turn out to be, and I had awoken to the truth. People could only give what they had, and the ones I had surrounded myself with (for most of my life) didn’t have the self love that they or I deserved. I no longer had anything to lose, so why not drive my car off a cliff!?! I had now come to know that unconditional love does exist, and trusted that Cinnamon would fearlessly and compassionately let me fall if that’s what I needed for my spiritual growth. I didn’t have anyone who I needed to perform for, so I allowed my ugly to surface. Cinnamama loved me regardless of what I said or did. I had walked away from everyone representing conditional love and had started my life over.
After Cara (my soul family) left, I screamed and cried a lifetime of pain. The fantasies, the dismissals, the loneliness, the lack of authenticity, the self-rejection all arose from my core, I could no longer bottle the pain. Cara was who I “thought” of as my last hope in creating my life as it SHOULD be. She had found and followed me on the internet, and I mysteriously fell in love with her soul before I even knew what she looked like. I knew her essence almost immediately. It didn’t matter what she said or did. It didn’t matter that she was a SHE. It didn’t matter if she loved me or not. I loved her unconditionally, and it was the best feeling I had ever had. I had finally experienced that oneness is real. That Love (God) is real.
She came at the perfect time. April 14, 2014, about fourteen hours prior to the First Blood Moon (said to be a rare event, prophesying change). For the last three years prior to meeting Cara, I had been healing my childhood wounds with Cinnamon, writing as a Contributor on Mastin Kipp’s site, “The Daily Love,” and told myself a story that I had life by its formulaic balls. All I needed to do was x, y, and z, and I would get what I want. God had other plans. I needed to be humbled. To be nothing. My ego’s own sense of self needed to be tamed, so I could be reborn and grow up. So I could embark on a dark night only to awaken to what it truly means to love myself and others, unconditionally.
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