Claiming our hearts often sounds fabulous, until we make the decision to take action. This distinguishes between talking the talk, or walking the walk. Almost seven years ago, the Kaptain and I celebrated our nine year wedding anniversary on the couch in our living room. A moment where I opened myself genuinely and did what was necessary to transform the dynamic of our family.
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“To resist change is to resist Life. Life is constant change.
Welcome it.”
June, 2012
Thursday, June 7th, the Kaptain and I celebrated our nine year wedding anniversary. Although it was far from romantic, the celebration was more real and honest than the vows we proclaimed on that misty day in San Diego.
Our simple celebration began after an hour meltdown from our strong-willed five year old son, Krew, who treats bedtime like a jail sentence. Regardless of my exhaustion, I managed to put on the Kaptain’s favorite pair of pajama's. Wearily, I walked down the stairs to my husband who was plopped down on the couch in his usual spot, watching television. A daily vision that I often resented. But on this day, I smiled to myself, taking responsibility to experience life and “us” differently. I had an hour or so before bedtime to share an intimate moment with the man I chose to marry and vow the five most significant words of my life... “Until death do us part.”
As we snuggled on the couch, wrapped up in a cozy chenille blanket, I asked him a question that could possibly change the course of our life together as we knew it...
“Are you willing to support and stay with me as I continue the spiritual journey back to my heart?
Silence.
As I looked straight into his eyes, I told him my heart's desire was to start over.
I continued to nervously chatter, asking him again if he was willing to come along for the ride while I continued to work on changing my fear based programs that were no longer working for me. With confusion in his eyes, he knew that this would change the dynamic of our marriage. I was no longer willing to live in limbo or win the marriage endurance contest, anymore.
As we continued to create intimacy on the couch, I vowed to work on me, ONLY. To not just talk about the light, but to be it. I took all responsibility by humbly admitting that because I did not fully love myself, I did not have the love to give him.
You see, my friends, fear is still lingering as a dark shadow in my life, but I am now willing to pull up my courage and go down the unknown and often scary path back to my heart. Only God knows what it will reveal; and it has to be better than the life I have created thus far. It just has to be.
As my heart pounded with anticipation for his answer, he looked into my eyes and hesitantly said...“Yes.”
April, 2015
Almost four years later, I can clearly see that the Kaptain was in doubt (as was I), telling me what I wanted to hear.
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