LIVING LOVE- Our First Session

“Your future doesn’t need attention. It is what you are willing to put into your here and now that will be the investment into your future.” 

    The Kaptain and I had accomplished what I had deemed as the “normal” dream. I “thought’” certain goals (college graduate, marriage, house, dog, child-you probably know the drill) would lead me to my "happily ever after." It didn’t, and when I would complain, many people would say...“You have it all, plus, you’re skinny!” Like that made me feel better. Great, I thought. Now, I’m a selfish ingrate, too. My feelings toward my life had NOT turned out as planned. I may have had a sliver of an ocean view through the bedroom window, a fat bank account, and a husband who brought me coffee every morning, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing mattered to me anymore except for inner peace from my vicious mind. I was just beginning to realize that no material accomplishment or person was going to give me what I truly wanted. All I desired now was to obtain freedom. It was up to me.

     So what or who is “normal,” anyway? And, who decided what is normal? We are given these ideas at birth and then we continue to follow these programs calling them normal. Until one day, if we so choose, we will wake up and remember that the ONLY real truth is Love. This is what I like to call our “Liberation Day.” The day we make the decision to change our “cookie-cutter” programming and follow our heart’s powerful calling instead. 

      When I was born, I was labeled Irish/American because my father was born in Dublin. Like all of us, I was given a set of rules. As a child, I was not given the opportunity to think for myself, and so I surrendered to the models that they provided for me. I assumed my programs were like most people, creating much frustration when I realized that was not the case. My program was placed, like a chip injected into the Star Wars robot, R2-D2, and continued to stay there until I had finally suffered enough. It was timely to press eject and start anew. Prior to that harrowing day on the bedroom floor, I had been slowly changing my fearful programming, but I needed a major overhaul. The time was NOW, and who better to do it than God.

     Just after three Living Love classes, I chose to leave Al Anon which felt more restricted to rules and guidelines. Living Love was on Wednesday nights, and had moved to someone’s warm and cozy living room in the Village of Arroyo Grande. I appreciated the class. It was so refreshing to hear people taking responsibility and learning to not blame themselves for it. I had never quite experienced something so raw and revealing. I had just met these people, and yet I recognized them as me and me as them-mirrors of each others addictions and hearts. 

     As I became thirstier for knowledge, I began calling Cinnamon about being diagnosed with the possibility of eye cancer for my fourth time, the daily challenges that I was having with Krew (who had been diagnosed with developmental challenges), and my troubling marriage. I created peace with her forthright and unorthodox advice, which took courage on my part. It got our family through each intense moment. It was now timely to ask my husband if he was willing to meet and session with my new mentor about our troubled marriage. Gratefully, he said, “Yes.” 
    We met Cinnamon in a massage studio in the back of her heart sister’s home. It was a tiny and cozy space. By the end of our eye opening session, we had the moment we desperately needed... she helped my husband and I release our avoidance of the word, "divorce." Just saying THAT out loud to each other was a great relief and very scary. She then firmly stated that she would not support an “endurance” contest or a union in “limbo.” What she would support us in was deciding fully whether we wanted, “in...or out?” Her job then became to help us to do either one with love. She saw it as none of her business which one we chose. Her responsibility was to simply help us with our choice. Our change in perception was noted, and a miracle had indeed occurred. I stayed wrapped up in her words throughout the entire session. By the end of the hour, the Kaptain and I had enough information to digest, and I had experienced the relief of God’s grace within me. 

    

     “How much do we owe you?” I asked her.

     “Oh, I don’t charge,” she said.

      “Nothing?” We made sure-with guilt and some more skepticism. WHY is she not charging? I thought.

        “I used to charge $30.00 here and there, but one day God made it clear to me to not receive money for my services. So, I don’t,” she said confidently. Just like she could actually hear God speaking. Can she?  

         The Kaptain and I were speechless (me, in awe). I experienced goose bumps, and the blonde delicate hairs on my arms stood still. I knew that she was telling the truth. 

       With humble conviction she added, “Besides, you don’t have enough money to pay me for what this information is worth.” 

     My husband and I walked out to the porch overlooking the peaceful garden of fountains and bird feeders, holding hands in silence. My definition of marriage had forever changed, it is in giving that we receive. 

     From those early days forward, I pulled up my courage by not going along to get along with most of my family’s and outsider’s skepticism. My life took a dramatic turn down a path of which many (at least in the world I was living in) have not traveled. The life of ultimate surrender. With my willingness to be reborn to love and remembering that Heaven can be created HERE on earth, I am learning how to play the game of Spiritual Aikido-ducking and bending with my ego (not against) and learning to want what I need for my spiritual growth.  

     I once listened to the author of “Return To Love,” Marianne Williamson, at a Hay House Publishing Conference in San Francisco. She said: “One cannot write about the crucifixion without the resurrection.” I completely agree. How could I write this book of blogs if I did not know that we can resurrect our outmoded ways of being and be the light of love that we all are? I am willing to open myself genuinely and be an example of freedom. After all, what didn’t kill me made me Francesca Braver.