TWENTIES- Walks With My Father (Part 2)

“You have allowed your mind to be in control simply by believing what it tells you. The energy you put into supporting your mind’s programs strengthens them, creating an abundance of fear that has you hooked. Open your eyes and create an abundance of freedom. It's so simple that it sounds trite."

    
     After choosing the carpet, tile, paint, and trimmings for my new home, Jay and I moved in. For whatever his reasons, which seemed strange to me at the time, my father didn’t contest us living together prior to marriage. Jay and I had an agreement that he would pay $300 a month. My parents paid for it outright with my name on the title, and I was to write a check to them, monthly (interest only). They were my bank, and being an independent young adult was not manifesting like I had once intended. Putting my doubts aside, I created a false sense of security. My addiction to my dad’s approval and security became even more embedded into my psyche.

     Then there were the walks with my father...

     Along my old stomping grounds of Hillcrest Drive, my father said it...

     “Kathleen, I want to talk to you about something.”

      Gulp. My heart would always start beating faster when those words prefaced what he was about to say. I knew that he would demand that I follow. A conditional hook that is often placed in this world when we receive money.

    He continued, “This house is to never be given to your future husband. You need to keep it in your name.”

    Pause.  

     “Do you hear me?”

     I squeaked out a “yes.”

     “It is your ‘FU house.’ Promise me that you will never give it to your husband because if you die, his new wife may get it all!”

     F*** You House? Three words that were branded in my memory and influenced my behavior for many years.

    I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t want to go into a marriage already thinking about a divorce. I wanted to share my heart and belongings, not covet them. Calling my new home an “FU house” felt so icky inside, and yet, I was beginning to relate to my dad’s fearful lack of abundance programming, hooking into it as my own. I needed to protect myself from my future husband and be secure. No man (including Jay) was ever going to take advantage of me, and I believed that I was being proactive and smart.
     I put energy into this illusion for most of my adult years, but by the grace of God, Love’s whisper never left me. Although we may abandon our heart, it never leaves us. Our nudging roommate of truth.